Current Mood:  worried...

Current Music:  (youtube)


NOTE:  2021 06 19  07H26 EST  Keeping It Together - 

Keeping It Together


- sorry, this is boring as all hell, I know... I'm difficultly trying to deal... 


I suppose I should be feeling happy

That I finally got my first appointment

To begin the diagnostic process, which

Has been on hold since last November.

Because we have a shortage of doctors,

I was on waiting lists to see specialists.

But here we go, it'll be my turn on 7 July.


But all I'm feeling is a load of anxiety

'Cause my experiences are rarely fine,

And even though I'm prepared for it,

It nonetheless always rams into me

When doctors dismiss my concerns

'Cause they can't find anything wrong;

All the while, I'm in excrutiating pain.


It's noticeably worse in recent years

And I'm truly having a hard time of it,

'Cause although pain isn't unusual for me,

Not being able to move, stand up or walk

Is a new turn that is deeply concerning

For someone who has "nothing" wrong.

The frequency of incapacitation isn't nothing.


If the suspected diagnosis should reveal

Itself to be the issue, it'd make so much sense,

It'd explain so many weird things of my body.

Since these pains have followed me around

From childhood up to now, it also fits that

The foundational make up of how we hold

Together was defective from the beginning.


Our bodies are made of connective tissues

In every part, even in our blood, in our brain.

The condition is a degenerative one, and its

Deterioration usually begins to wreak havoc

For people in my age group, which is exactly

What these last 3 years have been feeling like.

My intuition is, this won't be getting better. 


But maybe, this specialist will be able to help

To slow down the decline which has been

Picking up momentum and disabling me.

So, I should be feeling happy, but I'm wracked

With a whole bunch of anxieties about what

To expect with this new health professional.


Will she be a total uncompassionate bitch?

Will she listen and not dismiss me?

Will I be told the same platitudes?

Will I be wasting energy and time again?

Or will I finally be able to obtain answers,

And an actual treatment plan to better live?


A friend suggested that I turn my anxieties

Into hopes for the best until proven otherwise.   

He's right.  I do try to be more positive about

These things, it's just with years being told

All standard tests return no abnormalities,

It becomes nervewracking having to convince 

The professionals that there's something wrong.


My character gets put into question as if I was

Malingering or exaggerating, just 'cause they're baffled.

Turns out if I do have this suspected diagnosis,

The "nothing" they kept finding would be explained:

They did tests that would never pick up the condition. 

Only a genetics test can confirm the diagnosis.


The condition is classed as rare, and most doctors

Don't really know about it, so won't think of it.

I'm still on the waiting list for the geneticist,

But the upcoming appointment's with a physiatrist.

I seriously have knots in my stomach about it all,

And hope that the experience won't be miserable.


I need a solution to better my body's deteriorating state.

I need pain relief 'cause this is starting to get too intense.

I want to believe the physiatrist will be able to help.

I'm a nervous wreck, I want to present my case properly.

I want to have hopes the whole process will lead somewhere.

I just want to be able to move, stand up or walk whenever.

Diary by Moods The PoetBay support member heart!
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Written on 2021-06-19 at 13:30

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Jamsbo Rockda The PoetBay support member heart!
I hope you get answers and relief soon my dear friend.