Current Mood: about being pushed in a position of having to let go...
Current Music: "Last Time" - Fuel
NOTE: 2022 05 26 10H46 EST A Page from Her Journal -
A Page from Her Journal
May 2022
Dear Diary,
Eight years have passed and still no word... Wondering why it always falls on me to do the first steps after he's done wrong by me because of his alcoholism. A previous time had lasted about 10 years until I reached out to him to talk. Is that how parent-child relationships go on? Well, he's my step-parent, but to me he was the only father I had. My biological father, we ran away from when I was eleven, because he was a mentally unstable, violent, alcoholic. Step-dad wasn't violent, per se, but it wasn't far sometimes because of his drunken states.
He may not like to hear it, but growing up with him was extremely anxiety- and stress-inducing to an extent that had serious consequences on me. He was ruthless in his verbal attacks when he was in one of those moods. Between him and my mother, the both of them shot my nerves and my self-confidence to hell. And quite frankly, the two of them were so caught up in their dramas that it seemed to prevent them from noticing that their daughter wasn't home around all too much at twelve -- all the way up to when she finally left for good before her majority. They were nowhere to be found.
But I've forgiven him, never gave him much of a hard time on how growing up with him affected me (unlike he constantly did about his own parents). He had finally quit drinking, so I gave him a chance. Didn't hold it against him. I still didn't when he relapsed, which is what led us to the situation from 8 years ago now. I only expressed concerns about his having started drinking again because he was warned by his doctor when he'd quit that if he continued to drink, it would kill him - his body couldn't take it anymore - seemed important to me as a detail to keep in mind!
I found out that he was drinking again because I was talking with his girlfriend, whom I became close to over the few years they were together. They were in the process of breaking up, and they were both talking to me about what they were going through. Of course, I didn't discuss with either of them what each said to me, but the alcohol bit was alarming, I had to say something about that...
But he took that as me taking sides, and ever since, he's not spoken to me. I feel dropped like I don't matter, really. Pouring my heart out here, I guess, 'cause he'll certainly not hear it... it's so sore to deeply love people who evidently don't feel that way about you.
There are many parts
That are highly upsetting
About what happened
For you to lash out at me
And drop me as if it was
Justified to respond like this.
The first would have to be
That you're the parent
And you should have a bit
More control over yourself,
Especially in circumstances
When you've screwed up.
The second would be your
Spurious accusation which is
Only a distraction from having
To face your embarrassment
At being found out, and your
Shame you're unable to face.
The third would be that you've
Deflected your attention on me
Making me the bad actor in
This situation you created
When all I did is be there for
Both you and the girlfriend.
The fourth would have to be how
Easy it was for you to go away
From the girl you called daughter
Under such false pretenses you
Don't want to admit to yourself.
For you to put my moral character
Into question, and be satisfied
With such excuses you know
Hold absolutely no water, is so
Disappointing, it's beyond words.
For someone who loves me, you're
So quick to crucify me for nothing.
The fifth, how you're acting like
I did something unacceptable when
I did no such thing, be honest about it.
It's you who went off the deep end,
So of course we would find out.
Yet you didn't hesitate to make me
The bad one in your drama anyway.
And it evidently justified it in your
Head that it's ok to leave me behind.
It's incredible to me how it's always the
Closest and dearest who want to hurt me,
Even though it's never my nature to them.
The final one, how you've hurt me for years,
And acknowledging it, you struggle with.
I was there for you, but you made it into
A story of betrayal to satisfy this desperate
Need of yours for avoidance. It's not me.
It's you. And the worst part is, you know it.
Diary by F.i.in.e Moods
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Written on 2022-05-26 at 16:55
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jim |