well...fell for my ex girlfriend again...tried something special...21 letters...one for each day untill her 21st birthday....by the time id written the 5th letter she broke up with me again...and i just kept writing....never did show it to her


Last words for a dying love....

Hey!!...lol..I haven't done this in a long while, written something for someone and actually given it to them.
The last time I did was also a letter to you...lol..and I felt really weird then, so you have absolutely no idea how weird I'm feeling now, doing the same thing 6 years later. But that's how life is I guess...comes a full circle every now and then
So here it goes...21 pages that you will read, one each day with the 21st on your 21st birthday. I hope you read this as you start each day, one for each year of life you've had, especially since the last 3 birthdays haven't been particularly happy.
I sat and wondered why, and as hard as I could get my miniscule brain to work, I couldn't figure it out. Maybe someday you'll tell me why.
It's a long way away from the girl I once knew who had 3 birthdays a year. Im trying to make up for that now...

Good Morning!
Talking about the past is just a way of turning back the time and reliving an entire lifetime in that one moment...time suddenly becomes relative doesn't it? But that's how I know you...like an imprint on my mind, of the girl I first saw on December 24th 1997...gosh that's almost as old as the dinosaurs.
'My breath stopped for a moment', she said. 'It was like I saw the person I'd always dreamt about'. And its next to impossible for a 13 year old girl to convince a 17 year old boy that she meant every one of those words. And I'm sorry I didn't believe you then. It's a genetic defect, I was born this way.
And we talked about it every opportunity we got over the years. Who knew wed be at this point in our lives 8 years after we first met and that the longest time wed ever spend together would be 8 years later in a foreign city. I sure didn't see that coming.


Hey Again!
I hope that by the 3rd morning, opening these notes is the first thing that comes to your mind when you get up...lol. If it dosent, I'd like my letters back please...
Like yesterday, I could go on about the past but it would be sad if I were to keep writing about things we both know and leave it there...
But moving on, I'd always wonder when, someone would tell me that it wasn't the right time to do something. So who decides the right time? Is it a certain collection of cosmic events that culminate in a set of conditions, Conditions that bring some people together while pulling others apart? I always thought that it was the other way around and that it was the people themselves that did the pushing and shoving....time had nothing to do with it.
If it were all left to timing...then the guys and girls that stay at home lighting Casanova candles so that one day when the time is right the person of their dreams would walk into their lives, would have their soulmates wouldn't they? I guess it takes more than just right timing...I guess if you want something so bad that you wouldn't even mind wether it was the right time to have it...so to me the concept of time falls horribly short of making the cut...like the lines from my poem you liked so much the other day ' and to think that only time has the answer to these is not a good enough reason to sit back and let them go... you want the answers now.' Lol...so finally here's what I have come to believe...there's never a wrong time for a right moment....confusing isn't it...but that's just me...


Hey ther! Hows life? I'm hoping you don't expect me to lecture you on time and moments...lol...sorry couldn't help it yesterday cos ever since you said ... we just were at the right place at the wrong times...lol...clearly I don't agree...lol...
Oh...before I forget..lol..the other day I think you got startled...when I made a sudden hand gesture...lol...like I was gonna hit out or something....not likely...contrary to popular belief (yours!) I rarely get angry...and when I do, its mostly on myself...cos I'm such a big goofup...lol.. I remember the last fight I've been in was when I was 8, and that was before I joined martial arts...the one thing I learnt from there...and probably the most important lesson of my life, was that a moment of anger can bring about untold destruction and cause immense hurt...so its been 16 years since I last got into a fist fight on the streets...lol...and every conversation I've had with you where I did seem angry...was perfectly rehearsed...even the time when you called me on my birthday and id learned from amruta that you'd broken up with Jonas...I already knew what I was going to say!...lol but that doesn't help very much cos I always end up saying the wrong things...and besides...if you could melt me with one tear drop...how'd you expect me to even touch you harshly..lol...besides I'm a veggie (lol...pure veggie. unlike some other veggies who eat fish, prawns, crabs and octopus!...lol I know you hate it when I don't say sea food instead)...its not like I can kill you and then have you for dinner...oh and that day...since we are on the topic...the song that was playing was 'All saints never ever' and not some Madonna song...


Hey good morning!...Its really weird...cos when you want to say something...you cant say it properly...and then you get this weird Idea of writing things down..lol...in the hope that you'll be able to write down everything you couldn't say...lol well let me make it very clear...it dosent matter...lol im hopeless either way....i wonder how you do it everyday...write your feelings down on a piece of paper...lol...if I make it through these 21 days..it would have been my longest ever writing spree...the previous best being 7 days before I decided to let my memory do what it does best...remember...lol...and Im really sorry that you had to tear away the very first page of your diary...if I could get it back ...I would...it must have really hurt for you to do something like that....lol...when I started with this, I was actually gonna have this ready before we went out for dinner, lol...if you are reading this, I guess I succeeded.. but it wasn't the only surprise in store...if things go right...and I hope they went, you would have had 21 red roses in your hands that day, walked in on a room lighted with candles, and filled with 21 balloons with lil notes inside them, blown a candle off a cake, danced to 'Goodnight Elizabeth' and watched serendipity before going out for dinner or ordering in....so that's exactly what you missed in case you cancelled...I hope it worked out..lol...cos if it didn't, and you are reading this...id be feeling very stupid!
A lil too mushy?...lol maybe...but was just hoping that you'd forget a lil of the hurt and have a few more happy memories...and have at least 2 birthdays this year!

Good morning!...lol...I've lost track of what day it is since the first letter...switched to writing on my laptop from the book because its really dark on the car journey back from Chandigarh....I've always had a really engaging question that I keep thinking about all the time...lol and I'm still to find an answer to it... I know how you hate answering seemingly impossible questions....this one takes the cake....lol....here it is...which would you regret more...the things you did that you shouldn't have done, or the things that you didn't do but should have done...lol...and I know what your first answer to this question is going to be...why regret at all...but lol...stop take a breath, count to 10 before you jump to conclusions...and then think about it...on one hand there are things that you have done...with seemingly good intentions to the best of your knowledge. That in hindsight turned out to be not so good at all...or the things that you should have done but just couldn't find the conviction or courage to go through with them....and then later regret not having done them....could be something so simple as an unpaid compliment to something bigger like never letting someone know how you really feel. Wed all be kings of our castles if we could figure this one out...

I don't know what hurts more....they say the real threshold of pain is when something that you've wanted more than anything else all your life is sitting right in front of you but you cant have it...but to me its always been one step too far...and its not the thought that this couldn't be...but the regret that while you would question everything , and I'd just say 'why not'...and the last 8 years id just wished that you could once see it that way....if it was only for half a microsecond...and then if your answer would've been no...I wouldn't have held on for as long as I did...and it wasn't holding on to something just for the sake of it...and it wasn't a conscious decision...I've never had to make a conscious decision all my life....the path ahead has just been so clear...it was just so easy to love you...even though all we did was meet a few times and talked even less in the last 6 years....and I didn't come marching into anyone's life...I didn't plan it this way...

I guess part of the regret I have is because of the way I've been brought up...my grand mom said that the night before I was born she had a dream about 7 white elephants...and that she deduced it as a sign that I was destined for greatness...and that I could do whatever I wanted and achieve anything I wished and get anything I desired....and no one ever questioned that mindset...grew up in a small house in a neighbourhood where everyone owned 2 cars and had houses bigger than I could aspire for...that's where I got my never give up principle...I just would never give up...because if anything is worth having, its worth trying for with all your heart....and that's probably why I never gave up on you....because I was somehow sure...that if I tried just that little bit harder, gave it just one more chance...that I could make it work....and I probably would...and it crushed me...it really did...every time I came back and realized that it was going to be just that little bit longer...and take just a couple of hundred more chances...and it wasn't that I didn't have the courage to do it...it was like what Billy Crystal said to Meg Ryan in the movie 'when Harry met Sally'... "I'm here not because its Christmas and I'm lonely, I'm here because when you realize that you love someone...and you want to spend the rest of your life with them, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible"... I was never lonely.

I had asked you a question ... whether you would look back at things and go 'what went wrong?' ....and you'd said yes...imagine doing that for 6 years...I haven't had a chance to ask you how long you kept such a question in your mind for...and by the things I've written over here...it would seem that I was a desperate attention seeking hopeless romantic who even though has no chance in hell of getting the girl he loves, so foolishly holds on to hope for dear life that through his antics she would at least see the things he really feels...but that's not the reason I'm doing this. I am above receiving sympathy and pity...I'm too proud to crave for that...I know the last couple of paragraphs haven't been generally funny and nice as the earlier ones. Its just that I've never had to explain myself to anyone ever...and that when I say things, I fall horribly short of the right words...that's why I write...and contrary to popular belief, I'm not a voracious writer...even with all the things happening, and me writing for the past 6 years...I've just come to a total tally of about 30 poems and a few broken emails...and I don't consider myself a very good one either. I haven't written for over a year now...and I'd be very grateful if you could just burn this after you read it....hmm...I wish I was tom cruise in mission impossible...and every message you receive from me self destructs 10 seconds after you've read it...Just to make it clear...like you always say...you are reading this because I am not sure if I will ever speak to you again...because I am sat here the morning later, not having slept last night...with a couple of tall ones in me.. Wondering what to do with the balloons.... And I'm not sure if I will ever send this to you. If I do, and if I never speak to you again...you have this to explain why...just so that you don't frantically have to go looking for answers like I do...not that I think you would anyway.

I've always noticed that the only people who wonder how life will turn out are those that know its not turning out the way they want it to...it's a very natural thing to do...try and figure out what's in store for them....its mostly stemming from the reason that they need to believe that there's something better in store for them than the thing that they lost out on...and that's what some people would have them believe.... "you'll finally find someone which will even make you forget the past...it will be wonderful" , they say...no matter how genuine the intentions behind these thoughts are, all it boils down to in the end is the bitter truth....no one knows...it makes sense to go on with life that says this will probably be true...but there's no guarantee is there...you cant see the future...and the only thing you can tangibly feel is the taste of someone's lipstick on a coffee cup, or that slight trace of perfume...that lingers in the air long after the feeling is gone...it's a situation straight out of desperado...the heartbroken hero is in limbo because its just too impossible to forget, yet move on he must...because he does not want to be desperate...because desperate people dont win....but no one ever said it would be easy...what they conveniently missed out on was the fact that it would be so hard and that you probably couldn't even if you wanted to ...there should be a statutory warning that comes along with these things....like they do on cigarette packs....that it can be harmful to health...because it invariably is.
And as most people would have you believe that the only way to get over someone would be to find someone new....and once again as easy as it may seem....if you've only looked at one person for so long...everything you look at filters through that narrow prism....tell a man from the year 1500 that people would one day fly and see his disbelief.... You could compare that with someone who just wouldn't believe that there would eventually be something much bigger and better than what he's just missed....and that's not because it doesn't exist or that it cannot happen...maybe it can, and maybe it will...but he cant see it happening....and chances are he probably wouldn't either, because it would be too far into the future to matter anymore....

You will probably never see this....because by showing you these words, I run the risk of going against all I've ever stood for...I've never had to resort to written words or underarm tactics to get what I wanted, and right now I look like I'm doing just that...hitting below the belt...and trying to gain sympathy and attention...and that's not what I do at all...and neither is that the purpose of this letter...so incase you are reading this....there's one fiercely proud guy who's always stood out in the crowd, with an over bearing sense of ethics and dignity, who's made a compromise...who is holding his head low and is feeling really small right now. I have somehow managed to bring myself down to the level of all the other guys who have fallen for you .... Or think that they've fallen for you... its as if I could feel my face melting into the oblivion...unrecognizable in the crowd...and the very thought of this is enough to make me give up and walk away...


So this is finally all it comes down to...ironic how I can condense 8 years of pushing and shoving into 2 sentences...I want something you cant give me...and you want something from me, that I just don't have....and unless the reasons you gave me and the way you said you feel.. are false... I'm sure there is no misunderstanding...there never really was one...life is nothing but the choices you make...and you cant always make the right choices, but just hope that the ones you make after thinking it over turn out to be the right ones...and always remember that not everything depends on the choices that you have made....but also on the ones that others make...and that's where the uncertainty lies.. You can never tell what the other may choose. But what ever choices you make, the consequences are yours and yours alone...there's no one to blame, and you live with what you have chosen....you've made this choice...and you haven't lost anything...you still have everything of value in life...you just wont have me....that's the consequence...whether it matters or not...is pointless...


Sometimes we make a long journey in search of life...and then we come so close to it...but are afraid to take that one small step that would complete the journey....does that make us cowards?...maybe it does, maybe it doesn't...but the fact is that without that one little step, the journey of a million miles is incomplete...maybe that's why I waited so long and took every chance to complete that one little step...so that when the time comes to be answerable, the words 'I didn't have the courage to do it, the courage to put my heart out there when it mattered most' never come out of my mouth...that is one thing I won't take with me when I'm dead...Sometimes it is good to hit rock bottom...the absolute nil...because its only then that you know who you really are...and its not life to just shut up and sit in a corner ... we are defined as human beings not by our actions, not by our thoughts...nor by our compassion, or by how we look....but by one and only one thing....we are defined as human beings by how we love...and this shall be my legacy....




Poetry by Umang
Read 756 times
Written on 2006-07-16 at 23:31

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lastromantichero The PoetBay support member heart!
hey man your heart is breaking i know but
her friendship and your love will find some console and
some day
you will find another
rgds mike
2006-07-17