By my parents, I was abused and mistreated

Physically, psychologically, and sexually,

Then I left when I was around twelve and

Spent about eight years living on the streets

Where I encountered more abuse and

Violence, once even being beaten to death

In my late teens, so excuse me if I struggle

With things in my life and write about them.

My état d'âme might disturb you, but for

Fuck's sake, don't you dare chalk it down

To mere angst, it's not what this is about.

The ravages of trauma are deeply affecting,

And I do my best to not let this pain get

The better of me, I've been trying for years.

But although these things are ancient history,

And I don't spend time thinking about them,

My body and mind are stuck with flashbacks

That make me feel the assaults as though

They're happening right this moment now.

These come about in my sleep, or just when

My love gives me a simple touch or caress,

My whole being gets sent back to horrors.

This is not a conscious thing I can control, it

Just happens 'cause trauma wired it this way.

I've been dealing with this for over 35 years,

And it's a glitch in my nervous system for

Which there's no possibility to gain control.

So my body makes me feel those old assaults

Very vividly as though they're happening now,

And it's the most difficult thing to live with.

So I'm sorry you find all of this too negative,

But that's the stuff to be dealt with in my life.

So before brushing me off as a negative one,

At least find out what it's all about as all I'm

Trying to do is survive and navigate through

The impossible that was imposed on me,

And sure, a lot of struggles do take up a lot

Of space, but it isn't because I haven't been

Trying to get myself away from all this pain.

I was broken, and I tried to rebuild from there.

Not as successfully as I'd have hoped by now,

But for trying, that I've been doing a long time.

So sometimes, I get seriously down and in

Despair 'cause there's so much a person can

Endure when it comes to pain, add to that the

Fact my body is also in pain with a degerative

Condition that makes every movement painful,

After a while, all that pain just sucks all energy.

So wanting to make it all come to an end is

Only an inevitable desire I have to contend with

'Cause the whole situation feels hopeless without

Any prospect for any improvement.  So yeah, I

Get desperate, run down, and completely unsure

Why I'm even bothering to carry on this life. My

Endurance gets worn out, my energy disappears,

And all I feel is a continual reality of just pain.

So I'm sorry you find all of this too negative,

But I'm only human in the end.