To be clear, this isn't criticism on religion. This poem is a simple story about a man wasting his actual life, waiting for an afterlife that isn't guaranteed. I'm still a beginner so all types of feedback are welcome!




Wasted life

Alone in my deathbed I lay
I feel the cold, I know death is near
Though the sacred texts tell me not to fear
I have always been devoted, I always pray
Lived in celibacy, never had a wife
A sacrifice for a promised afterlife
As I near the end of my mundane dance
I feel my inaction morph into shame
I dare ask God for another chance
His omniscient gaze is filled with blame
And instead of welcoming me into his paradise
He compares my passive life to a wasted vice
I tell him I’ve been waiting for death since my birth
He says I had my chance on earth
The deathly cold turns into freezing ice
As my wasted life pays the ultimate price



Poetry by Artorius The PoetBay support member heart!
Read 25 times
Written on 2026-05-27 at 00:45

Tags Inaction  Condemnatory  Rejection 

dott Save as a bookmark (requires login)
dott Write a comment (requires login)
dott Send as email (requires login)
dott Print text


Sameen The PoetBay support member heart!
I echo OTP's comments but there are some critiques I would like to share.

First of all, the rhyming. For me, I think rhyming should be in service to the poem and not vice versa. The best rhymes are those that feel so natural to the poem that you don't even notice it. A personal favorite example of that is Dockery and Son by Philip Larkin. In this poem though, the rhyming seems labored. For example, the first line: "Alone in my deathbed I lay" which sounds archaic and different than the conversational and modern tone of the rest of the poem. I'd like it if you worked on that a bit.

Basically, if you want to rhyme, make it seamless.

Also, "mundane dance (allegory for life)" I don't like this added explanation. You should either trust the reader more or ingrain what you want to mean in the poem so it is undeniable.

There's a great poem here but it needs a lot of cutting.

Keep working, my friend!

Language: 3
Format: 3
Mood: 4
Overall: 3
2026-05-27


one trick pony The PoetBay support member heart!
You've described Dante's ninth circle of Hell, a world of ice, the frozen lake of Cocytus, God's punishment for living a life of betrayal, though what you describe is a betrayal of opportunity.

I like everything about this poem, and I see truth in it, knowing people who lived through fear and desire for "streets of gold."

Language: 4
Format: 4
Mood: 4
Overall: 5
2026-05-27