Life has no crystal ball, ya know.......
What If.....I had made different choices and lacked forgiveness....or buried myself into my shell, never to come out again?
I can look back, however, and see what the consequences would have been, had I made different decisions. I came very close to divorcing my mate. Wade and I have been together most of our married years, starting in 1980. He knew who I was, though, several years before he met me. He knew my brother and my brother's friends and I had waited on their table in a restaurant I worked in called "Darryl's, back when we were all in college in Greenville, North Carolina together.
In all those 45 years, my marriage was not without bumps. It weathered 3 separations and 3 reconciliations.
The first one happened because Wade had become abusive. I will not discuss the reasons in too much detail, only to say it had roots in our finances, lies, and our oldest son's struggles with mental illness and my anger that consequentialIy led to my nose getting accidentally broken by my husband and a gash on my upper lip requiring stitches via a slam in the face with a beer bottle delivered by our oldest who was having a mental breakdown. It wasn't long after that, that I fled with my younger two to my parents' home, then on to Chapel Hill and lived at the Governor's Club with Kevin, my "baby brother" (a CPA and real estate develper in Wilmington North Carolina. It was from his patio where I got to see Michael Jordan up close and exchanged waves with him because Kevin's home bordered the golf course.] Kevin helped me aquire a trailer to live in that was in a nice trailer court next door to the Governor's Club. For a brief while, I felt like Cinderella and then the midnight hour struck. It really was a contrast from the Governor's Club to the Trailor Court. Enough said. I can potentially get very angry but it is an anger seldom aroused. I have lots of tolerance and a very forgiving heart. I did not date, nor wanted to. I was intent on divorce and the separation started with acquiring my lawyer and a restraining order. Honestly, I could not bear the agony of seeing my (in first grade) youngest son crying for his daddy, which led to me lightening up and dropping the restraining order and instead, began the weekend visits. I let go the lawyer and was willing to give it a chance. Wade was very sorrowful and regretful over his own bad behavior and the depths it had plunged to. That made a difference in making my decision.
Separation 2 went on for 2 whole years with very little communication and interaction. I even had divorce papers drawn up and ready to go-- but I just couldn't do it. I had started to date some. I'll skip those details. Fate would have it that it was at my mother's funeral I came into full realization of my true feelings for my husband, the anger was long gone. We started dating again. But I was already dating an old high school friend who was there for me during my mother's demise and he helped graciously with the food and gathering at my home after the funeral. The man I was dating just happened to be friends with a poet here at Poetbay and we had both been invited to this poet's birthday party. But my boyfiend had a conflict and had to cancel out.Which turned out to be fine because Wade was wanting to see me instead and made it known he wanted reconciliation as much as I did and the boyfriend had to go. Not long after we were living together and renewing vows by Mother's Day. Also, I left to go live with my then widowed mother and then shared an apartment with Robbie in Rocky Mount where I worked as an Art Educator. We had lost the former home to flood and the new one to foreclosure. Robbie started having his problems and I had found a gun hidden in his laundry basket and I felt like I was losing my mind. I knew for sure I still loved Wade, we reconciled again. Some that I dated were boyfriends from the past that needed final closure. During the 2 year span, 2 asked me to marry them and one wanted me to move in with them at the beach to be their life partner for the remaining long haul of life left. Sad to say, I did feel love for them but none of it felt right or would fit the life I had already shaped.. ...I declined all the offers. But what if I had said "yes"? All my old boyfriends have died except a few. Those asking marriage died a year later. The one that wanted me to come live with him was my first Goldsboro junkie boyfriend who had gotten addicted in his senior year while his air force dad was stationed in England. He wasn't my first kiss but was my first proposal, technically speaking.He wanted and said as much, that he wanted to marry me after he came back from England and after I finished college.... what if what if what if....... anyway, those 3 offering the proposals, died approximately a year later and I would have been left a widow had I accepted any of those offers. All my friends have become widows and it makes me get weird thoughts. I can only hope Wade and I will be spared and somehow pass from this world together.
Finally....the last separation was a mutual agreement so I could stay in Goldsboro to care for my brother dying from lung cancer while Wade stayed to continue taking care of our 3 oldest grandchildren, the children of our oldest son. Our RV stayed on his farm to retire there. David's battle was bravely fought from 2018-2020 and he died in my arms as I watched his head transform into what looked like a colorful tye dye of red and blue. His eyes were closed but on his last breath, his eyes suddenly opened wide and stared deep into mine.....the look on his face was like a shock from something extremely amazing as he gazed his last look at me and closed his eyes.
Diary by Clara Mae Gregory
Written on 2026-09-09 at 20:33
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What if....
What If.....I had made different choices and lacked forgiveness....or buried myself into my shell, never to come out again?
I can look back, however, and see what the consequences would have been, had I made different decisions. I came very close to divorcing my mate. Wade and I have been together most of our married years, starting in 1980. He knew who I was, though, several years before he met me. He knew my brother and my brother's friends and I had waited on their table in a restaurant I worked in called "Darryl's, back when we were all in college in Greenville, North Carolina together.
In all those 45 years, my marriage was not without bumps. It weathered 3 separations and 3 reconciliations.
The first one happened because Wade had become abusive. I will not discuss the reasons in too much detail, only to say it had roots in our finances, lies, and our oldest son's struggles with mental illness and my anger that consequentialIy led to my nose getting accidentally broken by my husband and a gash on my upper lip requiring stitches via a slam in the face with a beer bottle delivered by our oldest who was having a mental breakdown. It wasn't long after that, that I fled with my younger two to my parents' home, then on to Chapel Hill and lived at the Governor's Club with Kevin, my "baby brother" (a CPA and real estate develper in Wilmington North Carolina. It was from his patio where I got to see Michael Jordan up close and exchanged waves with him because Kevin's home bordered the golf course.] Kevin helped me aquire a trailer to live in that was in a nice trailer court next door to the Governor's Club. For a brief while, I felt like Cinderella and then the midnight hour struck. It really was a contrast from the Governor's Club to the Trailor Court. Enough said. I can potentially get very angry but it is an anger seldom aroused. I have lots of tolerance and a very forgiving heart. I did not date, nor wanted to. I was intent on divorce and the separation started with acquiring my lawyer and a restraining order. Honestly, I could not bear the agony of seeing my (in first grade) youngest son crying for his daddy, which led to me lightening up and dropping the restraining order and instead, began the weekend visits. I let go the lawyer and was willing to give it a chance. Wade was very sorrowful and regretful over his own bad behavior and the depths it had plunged to. That made a difference in making my decision.
Separation 2 went on for 2 whole years with very little communication and interaction. I even had divorce papers drawn up and ready to go-- but I just couldn't do it. I had started to date some. I'll skip those details. Fate would have it that it was at my mother's funeral I came into full realization of my true feelings for my husband, the anger was long gone. We started dating again. But I was already dating an old high school friend who was there for me during my mother's demise and he helped graciously with the food and gathering at my home after the funeral. The man I was dating just happened to be friends with a poet here at Poetbay and we had both been invited to this poet's birthday party. But my boyfiend had a conflict and had to cancel out.Which turned out to be fine because Wade was wanting to see me instead and made it known he wanted reconciliation as much as I did and the boyfriend had to go. Not long after we were living together and renewing vows by Mother's Day. Also, I left to go live with my then widowed mother and then shared an apartment with Robbie in Rocky Mount where I worked as an Art Educator. We had lost the former home to flood and the new one to foreclosure. Robbie started having his problems and I had found a gun hidden in his laundry basket and I felt like I was losing my mind. I knew for sure I still loved Wade, we reconciled again. Some that I dated were boyfriends from the past that needed final closure. During the 2 year span, 2 asked me to marry them and one wanted me to move in with them at the beach to be their life partner for the remaining long haul of life left. Sad to say, I did feel love for them but none of it felt right or would fit the life I had already shaped.. ...I declined all the offers. But what if I had said "yes"? All my old boyfriends have died except a few. Those asking marriage died a year later. The one that wanted me to come live with him was my first Goldsboro junkie boyfriend who had gotten addicted in his senior year while his air force dad was stationed in England. He wasn't my first kiss but was my first proposal, technically speaking.He wanted and said as much, that he wanted to marry me after he came back from England and after I finished college.... what if what if what if....... anyway, those 3 offering the proposals, died approximately a year later and I would have been left a widow had I accepted any of those offers. All my friends have become widows and it makes me get weird thoughts. I can only hope Wade and I will be spared and somehow pass from this world together.
Finally....the last separation was a mutual agreement so I could stay in Goldsboro to care for my brother dying from lung cancer while Wade stayed to continue taking care of our 3 oldest grandchildren, the children of our oldest son. Our RV stayed on his farm to retire there. David's battle was bravely fought from 2018-2020 and he died in my arms as I watched his head transform into what looked like a colorful tye dye of red and blue. His eyes were closed but on his last breath, his eyes suddenly opened wide and stared deep into mine.....the look on his face was like a shock from something extremely amazing as he gazed his last look at me and closed his eyes.
Diary by Clara Mae Gregory
Written on 2026-09-09 at 20:33
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