Bob
Hi Christin

Sorry it took such a long time to reply to your long and extensive comment. I wish more people were this exhaustive in their commentary, especially important to me, not being a native English speaker/writer.
First of all, as a general key, the poem is surrealistic in parts, with metaphors that perhaps only I can relate too, although my intention always is and wil be that of a common understanding.
To your "three things".
Warped silence, yes I love that line. Silence is never total, nor of your own making. It is always warped by a million impulses and by life itself as it beckons and begs your attention. Silence is most often connected to solitude and solitude is not easily found, especially when you have a family. Hence the stolen solitude.
'feeding on dead soldiers and stale wine' refers to the connection between the church and innumerable wars through the history.
-'...there will never be a report that lasts.' also talks about the poem itself.

Thank you Christin! I need this kind of commentary to make me carry on thinking.
Bengt
2010-05-06

Christin Brennan
hey Bob,
writing about the subject of time is cliche if not connecting to any specifics, yet i see it around every corner, completely unrefined. i did like this one overall-enough to want more on a particular subject, i hope i'm making some kind of sense here...

three things:
-'Time came disguised as warped silence,/...This cold spring evening of stolen solitude...'> i don't understand the 'warped silence'. best guess is that the narrator sees 'the outside' as a negative perspective of past remains. & i also thought it was interesting to speak of time's silence & later solitude. i don't know why there's an emphasis

-'feeding on dead soldiers and stale wine,/...with words of ignorance and no solace./...smells of wet earth and a kind of pledge.'> i feel like your syntax is a bit boring & predictable, two objects for narration, & the fact that this piece is on the shorter side, you can't afford to settle on anything short of pungency in my opinion. i don't know if you were writing of the consequences of a specific war or war in general, but i wish you were, & if you were wine would be irrelevant

-'...there will never be a report that lasts.'> aka nothing lasts forever, but with different words, leaving the last line incomplete & unoriginal.

i did appreciate your work & would like to be filled in on what the basis is behind the poem, vague or specific

cheers,
christin
2010-04-19

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2010-04-19