This call

I offer my all, apparently in vain
I've seen all my flaws in a long chain
Once I've fallen, I will not run
I've walked with confidence, to be a bum
I try my best, and lose so easy
To the one that's more than greasy
A big black cloud that follows around
I can't see why, to me, it is bound
Am I sad, or am I tired?
You don't trust me, I lied and conspired
A glow so nice, that hooks me like glue
My picture of you just ain't that true



Poetry by Vicious V
Read 738 times
Written on 2005-07-31 at 01:55

dott Save as a bookmark (requires login)
dott Write a comment (requires login)
dott Send as email (requires login)
dott Print text


F.i.in.e Moods The PoetBay support member heart!
a lot of sadness to this... once again, you reach me with your words... i noticed this sentence "I can't see why, it to me is bound" - i would write it: "i cant see why, to me, it is bound"... would have a nicer flow i think... just a suggestion :) you write with lots of emotion... and i appreciate that very much... very good... thanks for sharing :)

later...xx
2005-07-31


chasingtheday The PoetBay support member heart!
all i can think of now is a cartoon with that black cloud overhead - you mention being new to poetry, why not try some poetry that doesnm't rhyme? it might give you a little more freedom. some of the lines seemed forced.
2005-07-31