Hi, galateus has commented your text visIon.

Hey Andy,
CB here.

Another great read!

Just a couple of housekeeping points:

- "smogs" can be simply, 'smog' as it can read with the same intent alongside 'stenches' without having to plural


visIon

All I want to do,
is see the dream come true
I want to look up, and see skies blue

with the birds all aflutter,
and beneath it a pool so crisp and clean

to wash away these things;
these things that have wrought
these stenches and smog and so is my thought

to wake this dream and to see it real,
whether or not I'm left to feel

the strong tree through all its days
not withered through the cruel ways.

these buisinesses have to seek their money,
but my dream is one of sweet honey

and I feel the loss when I awake
but now it is to truth I make

this wonderful dream as I put on this vest
and walk into the wondrous forest

walk past all that I love to purify
things not yet done and glorify

my loss today so there shall be another way,
because when dreams are true I will not see the day...



except from afar,
because I push the button
next to the tree-killing machines

and I explode.



Poetry by Andy
Read 1122 times
Written on 2006-04-19 at 00:23

Tags Protect  Bomber  Suicide 

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PoeticProcrastination
I don't think the typos subtract from the overall effect of the poem.

But I do agree that this is another great read!
2006-04-19



Hey Andy,
CB here.

Another great read!

Just a couple of housekeeping points:

- "smogs" can be simply, 'smog' as it can read with the same intent alongside 'stenches' without having to pluralise it. But that's a choice you have to make. Personally, I feel it adds more punch to the line without the final 's'. But that's just me.

- 'wether' needs an 'h' to make it read "whether" to eliminate the typo; and

- 'buisinesses' needs to read "businesses"; and

- 'wonderous' needs to drop the 'e' to read "wondrous"

- 'tree killing' is a compound word and you may opt to render it "tree-killing", thereby using the hyphen to connect the two thoughts into a unified unit. And finally another typo -

- 'machienes' needs to read "machines".

If you were to use a modest amount of punctuation - commas and that, to indicate pauses and thought groupings, the poem would have a tighter sense of mental flow.

Sorry for the long comment.

I loved this poem! Check out the rating!

CB
2006-04-19