- last one... 

I can only offer my apologies

at this point, I realize what I

say to you isn't anything that

is interesting and it's the same

as I've been saying for years,

so I've no doubt worn out your

patience by now, I understand.

The truth of the matter is that

it's all been too much, and I'm

too weak to make it any better,

not that I haven't been trying,

it's just it's beyond what I can

effectively manage, evidently, so

I think there's only one solution.

All I feel is pain, pain from

past traumas, and now pain

from my failing body, and pain

from the everlasting isolation.

I don't think I'll ever be able

to resolve any of it, and I now

believe my only option is death.

I keep teetering between hope

and utter despair, it's constant,

and so I get into a suicidal state

that I find very difficult to step

away from 'cause it's the only thing

that feels sensical in the moment,

the only thing that feels correct.

Those thoughts overtake all time,

and I struggle so to not go ahead.

I just want to be done with it,

remove all worries and stress

from all who care for me and

find themselves powerless to

do anything about all of this.

I'm so sorry that all I want is to

die, but I firmly believe it's the

only way that will resolve this.

I'm too weak to change the script,

I'll never be free from this pain,

and I'm simply too exhausted to

keep on trying for an outcome 

that will clearly never happen.

After so many years trying, I'm

at a point that I'm sure it's the

only way, nothing else will ever

work, experience states it is so.

All the reasons to keep me here

have eroded some while ago,

nothing convinces me that it's

worth toughing it out longer.

So I know that I will go ahead,

it's not a threat, it's not to worry

you, it's just that I'm too broken

to make any difference in this

matter, and I need for it to stop.

An end to pain and some rest

are all that I seek and hope for,

and since my efforts are useless,

it's the only option that I can see

will be able to offer me any sort

of significant reprieve from this

hell I've dealt with for too long.

My sincerest apologies, I tried,

with all I've got, I really tried,

but it's only been a total failure,

and I just can't do it anymore.

I'm just too exhausted now,

I have no energy, no will, no

drive, it's all just gone, done...

So I'm done.

This needs to end

for me and for you.

I think it's unkind

to keep this going,

you deserve so much

better than this.