Love is a gift. Obsession is a curse. The line between is thin. Anyways I’m still a beginner so feedback is always welcome! I do know the rhyme here is a bit stammery, so I’d say this is my worst work yet, but no harm in publishing it for feedback right?


Meus. Mea. Meum

12th of June, 2025
I finally find the girl I’m looking for
She’s perfection to the core
I need her, she makes me feel alive

Though with her friends she keeps going out
I try to isolate, to claim what’s mine
Though unlike me, she isn’t devout
I make it clear she walks a thin line

One day we get into a heated quarrel
She lies, says I’ve been a narcissist
And tells me I’m amoral
When she tries to leave, I break her wrist

I need her to stay mine forever
And so her head I start to sever

You’ll be freed from my pity
Freed from your shame
And as you dance with the angels
Only I will call your name



Poetry by Artorius
Read 62 times
Written on 2026-06-02 at 01:19

Tags Obsession  Control  Devotion 

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Sameen The PoetBay support member heart!
The rhyme here is better than your last one, actually. Your meter is what needs work. You seem to be straddling between set meter and free verse. Choose one or make the dissonance more radical, I'd say.

Also, the imagery and tone seem thrown together rather than intentional. I'd work on that as well.

I am happy to see you continue to write.

Language: 3
Format: 4
Mood: 3
Overall: 4
2026-06-02