this was my first poem, and ive been told it is my best, but i think its weird how my first is my best, i woiuld like some feedback on what i could do better if you could, thank you.


Impossible Love

So beautiful your eyes are I could die.
I wish I could just look at them all day.
I get lost inside their wonderful lie.
If I'm caught looking, please, don't look away.
Although your eyes could keep me here all night
Your beauty is much more than I can take.
Madam Princess let me be your good knight,
Rejection would be more than a heart break.
Your voice is so sweet that it makes me melt,
Just talk to me and I'm yours till we part.
I swear your not just a notch on my belt.
I also swear these words are from my heart.
Your love is to another who's not me,
Now everything I longed for is hist'ry.




Poetry by Rhett
Read 940 times
Written on 2006-10-26 at 23:13

Tags Love  Disappointment  Sorrow 

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You have a real knack for writing strong love sonnets, something that I've never been able to master. Nice imagery and consistent structure. Please replace 'your' with 'you're' in the 11th line.

Though the use of the word 'lie' in the third line provides an intriguing ambiguity, I think you need to qualify the imposition that the beloved's eyes are lying in some way. I assume you mean by lie 'to tell falsehoods.' Since the rest of the poem praises the beloved's goodness and attractions, it's kind of startling to see a characteristic that could be conceived of as negative.

These are, of course, just recommendations, since I'm just an amateur poet, not a professional. Your poem is charming and nicely crafted and I like it very much.

Cheers,
William
2011-07-31