An Important Newspaper Announcement You May Have Missed While Having A Crap.


Scientists at Oxford University Medical School are asking for volunteers for a project involving sniffing the anuses of pre-pubescent males in order to find out if there is a reliable way of establishing whether they will turn out to be homosexual or not in later life.

Chemists will also analyse the complex mixture of gases released by the boys' rectums in order to further help them gauge the likelihood of their owners becoming gay. The research project is aimed at identifying whether there is a correlation between anal sweetness/sourness and homosexual proclivity, and is the brainchild of a group of Anglo-German homosexual proctologists.

"The project will involve a sample of 1,000 12-year old boys selected at random throught England and Wales", explained Professor Phil McCavity, "Scotland will be excluded from the sample because we have identified the fact the excessive eating of haggises causes such a strong anal odour that it would disguise the gay traces in the rectal gases." The 1,000-strong sample will be followed up every six months until the boys turn 21. In addition to the regular sniff checks by volunteers, stool samples will be taken every six months as well, and the boys will be required to maintain an online diary of all sexual activity, including solo masturbation. Says McCavity, "This is probably the largest bottom-sniffing experiment in British medical history and we are lucky to have a $10m grant from the KY-Jelly Corporation. The project will establish once and for all the truth between the Nature versus Nurture lobbies regarding the causes of homosexuality."

All stages of this ground-breaking epidemiologal survey will be monitored by both the Ethical Standards Committee of the British Medical Association and by the administrators of the Sex Offenders' Register. Detective-Superintendant Ben Dover has reassured all participants that all possibilities of abuse of sniffers' privileges will be monitored very carefully. "We'll come down like the proverbial ton of bricks on any paedos who try to muscle in on this very important experiment", he stated authoritatively at a press conference held in the Oscar Wilde Memorial Rooms at Gayson College yesterday.

A previous similar epidemiological study conducted 12 years ago in Mannheim (Germany) had to be abandoned when a group of extreme left-wing homosexual eco-terrorists were found to have infiltrated the sniffing procedures by supplying some of the participants with perfumed toilet tissue. "This time, all participants will have to sign a declaration that they will, under no circumstances, use any perfumed toilet paper or moist wipes," insisted Professor McCavity.

Words by Edna Sweetlove
Read 1078 times
Written on 2007-04-18 at 01:04

Tags Bottoms  Gay  Surveys 

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