unable to write poetry lately, writing still gives me the release i need. so here is some sort of essay or monologue or something that's been in my head.

a rant

okay, so i've been thinking a lot lately, and generally when i think, i ask questions. questions like: why?, how come?, for what purpose?, who is he/she, who am i?

questions i can't answer.

i really want to start a commune, but i can't, and won't. even though i'm so aware of society sucking me in, i don't want to end up alone, even though i'd be lonely around tons of people, because i'm miserable like that. misery enjoys company. i really hate money, and i hate falling into this groove or this track where i just live this pre-destined life of birth, education, work, kids, getting old, death. i mean there are fun moments in between, but is that life? not to me, but it's the hardest thing i've seen to get out of that groove. and i know who i am, i'm the watcher, i'm writing about it, whereas i doubt i'd ever be able to do it (even though i am so aware of it), which really sucks.

in all honesty, hate is most reasoned psychologically and not with facts. i hate the christian church and all religion because my dad is a pastor. let's be honest with ourselves here, as much as i don't like how religion establishes your personal beliefs and rites and thoughts, that's the real reason i am now a religiousless person. it's the same as being homeless in the head, really, because i'm all out on my own intellectually.

and coming to think of it, not only spirtually, but intellectually, philosophically, politically, i have no clue what i really, honestly believe. i know that one day there will be a nuclear holocaust, there will be some survivors and during that survivor era, there will be the only chance in history to have a perfect marxist society. i know that. do i believe in it, or that it will stay uninfluenced by the prior conformism to capitalism in this world? no. there's no chance.

and people? don't get me started on people. i have had friends, mentors, family members i had faith in or looked up to in some way. all of them hide something, that truly lets me down. even one of my own friends hides how he really cares about what people think and that he's still in love with this girl, who he's led just about evereyone to believe, he hates. and he is one of my closest friends, we have the most awesome discussions about politics, philosophy, history, anything really. is he a lie then? is our relationship? i don't know.

even now i've had time to write down these thoughts, i've come to no resolution or anything about it all, and i've still got all this shit swarming around in my head.

Poetry by Zachary P. B.
Read 808 times
Written on 2007-07-23 at 01:11

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Kathy Lockhart
keep thinking keep writing keep traveling along this road called life. all roads lead to somewhere. Somewhere? Thats for you to decide

Z, I know where you are. I trust people, and then they go like "I never asked you to trust me!" or "I didn't know I had your expectations to live upto too!"
Intellectual thinking is way beyond me - but as far as my thoughts go, I find myself alone. I'm trying to find a mean between what I am and what my current situation is trying to make me.
The only way to keep sane is to hold on to yourself - the only person you truly need to believe in is yourself. It sounds like I'm trying to preach, but I'm not.. I'm just telling you what works for me!

I can really relate with this dude.
It's hard to explain, but yeah.