one day i couldn't do it anymore

the day began 

like every other day

but when it was time to leave for school

i couldn't

i went into the backyard

and even though it was winter and cold and wet

i lay down on the grass

and shivered

i don't think it was a breakdown

because i was cognizant 

of my actions

eventually my mother saw me

there were tears and words

and the next day i went to school with an excuse note

for my homeroom teacher

nothing like that happen before or since

and i don't quite understand it

i was good student, not great

i was seemingly happy and in love with julie

this was a few years ago, before college and white bird and terri

i simply couldn't walk out the door and get on the bus

i haven't thought about this in a while

it seemed like that's all i had ever done

my whole life

get up and go to school, over and over

i think i felt desperate to stop the cycle before it devoured me

i don't feel that way anymore

i like the challenges before me

i see it is an opportunity

but i think about my bro still in high school

and kids . . . kids, listen to me . . . 

feeling trapped as i felt trapped

and wonder what is wrong with parents and teachers

that they can't see it

then i think of my parents

how hard they work and how much they love us

and i think of my teachers 

standing at the front of a classroom

day after day

staring into a sea of bored and pimply adolescent faces

i see we're all in it together

all but a few 

who somehow

and i wish i knew how

do it differently

i'm always surprised

when i learn that a friend

someone i thought i knew

turns out to have a secret life

though it is only a secret because i failed ask and see for myself

one friend danced in the school musical

i didn't know she could do that

another friend plays drums in rock band

another tried out for the olympic speed skating team

another came to school one day

with her head shaved

she had had brain surgery to remove a tumor

i didn't know any of this

where was i and what was i thinking

i don't think of myself as self-centered

but i am or else sleep walking through my days

i was living in a world of classes and homework

and social drama

and being in love with julie

who was even younger and dumber than me

i was oblivious

it feels good that that is behind me

it is good that i can walk the city streets

to and from campus

knowing the homeless man will likely be there in the morning

and i’ll have my dollar ready

and the lady at the coffee shop

will say good morning baby girl

it is good to be me

i am

i think

therefore 

me

~~~

through my writing

i've come to have a friend

i've told her about terri and other things

how sometimes it's hard being me

we talk, write, intimately

and i mistook my feelings for love, the wrong kind of love

i spent the day thinking about her

and it came into focus

this is friendship, this is love between friends

i've never had that, not like this

and i didn't recognize it

we share intimacies like sisters

giggling over boys, or . . . you know

like miss jane and elizabeth bennett 

it's a gift, she is a gift

and it's fun and serious and wonderful

and i felt light and happy and lucky

~~~

monday was seminar

i read my two poems about my north country girl

this morning i had my weekly conference with professor eliot

and i told him i was having a hard time

and there were a few tears

and i felt sorry for him, having to put up with girls that cry

but he was kind and we talked

and we especially talked about what i wanted from him

what my expectations were

and, of course, i hadn't really thought about that before

so, that's what i'm doing

thinking 

sorting this out

i have time

today was a day for thinking

for clarity and common sense

i can't see what's coming

and that's scary

i want to say, but that's ok

i'm not sure it is

~~~

i know i don't want to teach

and i won't have many other options 

if i follow this path

if i'm honest with myself

and i'm trying to be

i see a path more traveled

my design class is going well

it isn't a passion

but i don't need passion, i need clarity

i can see a career in graphic design 

and that little glimpse into the future is enough

it stabilizes me

and that’s all i need

i told my friend i'm happy

i am

i'm happy for the glimpvse

and because we're friends

and i can stop pretending it's something else

it's liberating

~~~

if that isn't enough

this shift in thinking, this hint of a career

means i can stop taking the writing so seriously

that i can have fun with it

i'm not going to be a writer

but i can write

~~~

now

i'm going to go give terri a back rub

and help her study for her bio exam

and then i'm going to call my parents and bro

and have a glass of wine

and go to bed 

and la la la

~~~

sometimes you have to take a day to sort things out

if you don't 

you end up on a cold, wet lawn, shivering

and that's no good