| Don't laugh
|
|
2005-11-11
haha a pretty simple haiku. I like it. lol.
|
| Rain
|
|
2005-11-10
I believe a haiku poem is supposed to have 5 syllables in the first sentence 7 in the second and 5 in the third. So I think you could fix this up a bit. This was a bit too much on the simple side also.
|
| Ice Queen
|
|
2005-11-10
I have to say this is very nice. Well actually I liked the beginning the most. Cause this started to kind of lose the nice interesting flow it had after this far into your write...
"My snow flake, my fragile queen,
Dark hair, green eyes, beauty unseen.
Fading away, to the place so old,
As you're laying to rest, dream so cold.
Kissing last kiss, to your red lips nice,
Yet are they cold, blue like ice,
Still warm is the kiss, I feel in my heart,
At this last moment, as we apart."
That has to be the greatest part of it all. The rest I just think doesn't seem as good as that. But that's probably just me.
|
| Tail
|
|
2005-11-10
All I want to say is what the hell is this supposed to be about and mean??
|
| *Love..*<3*
|
|
2005-11-10
Hmmm....I can see theres someone who you were dating at one point but you aren't anymore but you still care about them as a person. Thats good to keep it like that. This did seem a bit cliche though. So maybe work on getting better details or something like that.
Brenna
|
| Mirroring Weakness
|
|
2005-11-09
I like how you wrote about how one can change. They can be one way and then be different the next. I have to say looking at yourself in the mirror can do a lot to you. It can make you feel as if you see another person that you are not or you can see your true self. but this was a pretty nice piece. flow and structure was great. no complaints.
Brenna
|
| Dreams of Love
|
|
2005-10-01
well since you posted on 2 of my writes I figured I'd post on one of yours at least. This was very good. I really have no complaints but I do want to say that the ...'s are a bit much adn maybe you should just put a comma instead. and that will make it better. Otherwise nicely done!
|
| Please
|
|
2005-10-01
Hmmm not so sure on what to say about this one. It was good. Though I can see you're trying to hold on to something that might not be meant to be. I understand that too and its hard. But anyways this wasn't too bad.
|
| Leave me broken
|
|
2005-10-01
Ooohhh I really like this! This was bit on the short side I think but otherwise this was great! Flow, rhythm and all that stuff was there! I have really no complaints. I think this deserves a 5!
|
| Dreams
|
|
2005-09-17
I have to say I liked this one a lot! There were some spelling and grammatical errors though. like in the beginning line it says "you'r" its supposed to be "you're" and "all this things you have spoken," is it supposed to be "all these things you have spoken"? so yea maybe go through and fix those up a bit and this will be perfect.
Brenna
|
| Deepest shade of blue
|
|
2005-09-12
Interesting work. Though I also suggest that you break up the lines a bit cause it makes reading this easier and better to follow. I also think it would give it a better flow too. Umm I'm not really sure what else to say other than nice job.
|
| a new day
|
|
2005-08-23
hmmm i found this interesting.
"and piss on this day, too
before it ever starts"
is it saying screw the day to come basically?
|
