Forgiveness

Forgiveness.
The fragrance of a crushed flower.
They say forgive and forget,
but how can I forgive you now,
forgive you again.

For all the times you made me cry,
for all the times you made me hate myself,
made me think it was my fault.

No I won't forgive you,
not this time,
not now.



Poetry by xXxfallen angel xXx
Read 814 times
Written on 2010-03-03 at 20:40

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Brian Oarr
Hello Fallen,
You're a brave young woman to bring your poem to "The Pool", so I want very much for this criticism to be a positive experience for you. The last thing I want is for you to see me as a curmudgeon, when I genuinely want to help bring out the poet in your voice.
Your poem, "Forgiveness" is what poets generally refer to disparagingly as an "angst" piece. That is to say, a poem about broken heartedness or unrequitted love. Now that, in and of itself is not a bad thing. You're 16 and relationships seem about the most important thing in your life --- I'm 61 and would tend to agree. The thing is that angst poems are a dime a dozen, so if you're going to write one, then you've got to bring your "A-game" to the poem and turn those emotions roiling in your heart into the intellect of words from your poet's brain to the written page.
There are devices that poet's use to accomplish that goal --- use of metaphor, simile, assonance, alliteration, personification and in general the use of words that pack a punch and elevate the language of the poem from the quotidian to something that becomes pleasurable to read.
Now for the good news:

"Forgiveness.
The fragrance of a crushed flower."

... with those first two lines you launched your poem on a positive course ... you used a metaphor and, I'm not being condescending about this, it was a very good metaphor. You were showing us without telling us, but then what happened? The rest of the poem resorted to the cliche and departed from any further attempt to use that elevated intellectual description, which is so essential to serious poetry.
As an interested reader, I was left hanging, wanting so badly to hear more from your creative feminine mind. After the first two lines you ceased creating and resorted to merely venting. I felt cheated. :-(
Selfishly, I'd really like to see you have another go at this poem, keeping those first two lines and building on them, sharing more of that keen awareness that you piqued our interest with. Of course, that's just my wish ... I'm just hoping it's yours as well.

Brian

Language: 3
Format: 4
Mood: 3
Overall: 3
2010-03-04