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Christin Brennan

42 years old from USA


The latest comments that Christin Brennan has written.

LoveLost

2011-07-23
the first two stanzas need a lot of help. overall, (this is the place to give raw, honest crits as i understand) this piece as a whole fell somewhere in the middle. nothing memorable in these lines but nothing dreadful either. this piece might benefit from a jolt of lightning truthfully. S2 is on the verge of ridiculous thanks to the vacuum thing-what? this is not a smart metaphor. it's like saying she left behind a blender that chopped your heart to peices since she's gone, & you're lost somewhere in the blades...do you see how that might sound now?? & unfortunately like most of this poem the 1st stanza is all tell, all talk, no interactive or enlivening depth.

best of luck,
christin


My place

2011-07-23
nicely done! this poetic style is not my forte, but this piece is written well. clean, simple & elegant.
less Is more isn't it?!

cheers,
christin


I pass by myself

2011-07-23
This piece falls short of giving enough information. I'm not saying I'd like it spelled out, but w/o any clue as to why you have all the time in the world (which's a pretty big cliche you start it off with) for friends & love (which to most people is welcome at any time, not something they could care less about). so that part automatically becomes just a random statement w/ no rhyme or reason behind, but most importantly no incentive to why it's signifigant to your reader.
Then we have a vague personal detail from you about something? preventing you from living now, which is what you obviously want to do w/ your time & seem frustrated about it. This info is just that, info...we don't know what's preventing you from living, what defines living, cause that's a pretty vague aspiration, & finally why you are accussing us, or someone you address as 'you' in italics of doing this living thing successfully??? clarity & more details are desparately needed in this piece.
I'm not too keen on your line breaks either; most of them break up the flow.

regards,
christin


It is I

2011-07-23
hi Bob!!
i am very impressed w/ this piece. it's just GOOD-i could explain why i think so to back up my opinion, but this time i just don't feel like it...you just wrote a dang good poem ;) "It is I" is a pretty stout title that forecasts a earth-trembling, biblical might almost, that automatically holds the bar pretty high for the poem that follows (anything short of boring). i feel you have conquered that feight for sure! but i do have a few things i'd like to address too:

-"...and wild ants at the bottom of stairs."> i didn't understand where this imagery came from...what do you mean by wild ants at the stairs??
-"It was hilarious to inhale that world."> even though this line is strictly 'tell,' i love it! it's smart; it's off-beat & unexpected while dressing your subject w/ human-like character traits that makes him more 3-dimensional & relatable most importantly
-all of S5> comes out of nowhere, or it appears initially that it does---unless it has to do w/ the children stanza above it, which i don't think it does. it comes off like the narrator (subj) is becoming mad at that moment himself, & unless that's the case, it sounds like ranting jibberish. the clarity in this stanza really suffers
-my last nitpick is a general concern. though very well constructed, original & facinating, what you are trying to convey is a little too complex & inverted to interpret or avoided all together. i loved it, the editor's loved it, fellow readers loved it...but if asked what this poem really means-i, personally wonder if anyone could tell you...
pls don't misunderstand me here-there is nothing wrong w/ poetry that takes an hr, a day maybe to study...Dickenson for exp., she's one of the great's, but unless i'm missing something all together, i can't gather enough pieces to make a complete puzzle here (this is only referring to the understanding of plot).
if you have the time maybe you could explain it to me; love to hear!!

still greatly enjoyed,
christin


There Is No Spoon

2011-01-22
do you write music at all?

christin


While She Sleeps

2011-01-20
This poem is like butter...your fellow commenters were very much right when they told you how sweet the imagery richochets in the head after the last line!

cheers,
christin


In time

2010-04-19
hey Bob,
writing about the subject of time is cliche if not connecting to any specifics, yet i see it around every corner, completely unrefined. i did like this one overall-enough to want more on a particular subject, i hope i'm making some kind of sense here...

three things:
-'Time came disguised as warped silence,/...This cold spring evening of stolen solitude...'> i don't understand the 'warped silence'. best guess is that the narrator sees 'the outside' as a negative perspective of past remains. & i also thought it was interesting to speak of time's silence & later solitude. i don't know why there's an emphasis

-'feeding on dead soldiers and stale wine,/...with words of ignorance and no solace./...smells of wet earth and a kind of pledge.'> i feel like your syntax is a bit boring & predictable, two objects for narration, & the fact that this piece is on the shorter side, you can't afford to settle on anything short of pungency in my opinion. i don't know if you were writing of the consequences of a specific war or war in general, but i wish you were, & if you were wine would be irrelevant

-'...there will never be a report that lasts.'> aka nothing lasts forever, but with different words, leaving the last line incomplete & unoriginal.

i did appreciate your work & would like to be filled in on what the basis is behind the poem, vague or specific

cheers,
christin


What Will You Be?

2010-04-16
i had no idea the editorial team throws in some poems once in awhile! glad you'll do because sometimes it can be a bit difficult to find a poem to respond to. i'm not the avg. 'commenter'. but i'm sure you'll know i'm out there-pretty hard to miss the girl who writes novel worthy crits. so far the people here react so well to my crits that are extremely honest. i think that's why i keep coming back to this site really.

i myself stick to free verse for the sake of everyone, so i always enjoy the challenge of reading another writer's challenge :)

although vague, i respect the poem & writing sheme because the classic structure in poems like these are far from 'childsplay'. yes the feeling of this poem is innocent, wonderous & an incredible mimic as far as time, age, but you make it seem so easy while playing by the rules of the iambiic pentameter.

this is far out, but it's like one of those pixar disney films that's disguised with animation and rated G, but half of it is adult humor you didn't really expect. this is better, that's kind of a big deal for me

rock on
christin


Life II

2010-04-16
hey! congrats on being on the first page! here are my comments, hope they can be of help :)

-'...objects are close/ all the world is one/ reach it and touch...'> 2 things-'all the world is one'...you must have been thinking of this line when you mentioned something about being cheesy. if so or if not, i agree. cliches are on the hit list when trying to write poetry, but this line is the exception, it shouldn't be a mile away from anyone with a pen & paper. i'm not trying to be dramatic either. as for the first three lines in this same stanza, you're as clear as fog. 'objects are close' doesn't connect in any way to anything in this poem, & if i missed it all together, pls enlighten me so i won't be in the dark here. another thing that comes to mind is the feeling of a foreign perspective (not people foreign).
i love it i just wish it wasn't spotted here & there. what makes this personal observation of mine inflict with that third eye vibe, i haven't a clue. sorry, that's all i got for that one

-'...the clouded path brings good fortune...'> i was very drawn to this line because it gave just enough room for various interpretations. i took it as the clouded past, overhead & grey as tribulation one must face sometime in life, & though hard & unpleasant, when the trial is over, whatever & however the light came back, you're out of the fog & karma will pay you back in justice, good fortune will recycle itself your way in it's own good time.

-'...still a smile in the heart...'> uh oh, these warm & fuzzy cliches have got to stop. there's no talent in sliding in another man's token phrases when poetry is made in the mind of it's creator. creativity can be tough & wearing at the end of the day, but i think you'll find more appreciation from yourself & the reader.

cheers,
christin


It's 2:00am Again

2010-04-16
hey Morpheus, i appreciated your comments on I Sleep, they were very kind, so i thought i read some of your stuff. i think i might be the only honest, blunt critiquer here, so let me know if you have a problem with it :)

here we go...
-'But in 4 minutes off the lights go-'> this is a really awkard sounding line, especially when read aloud.

-'Maybe it's because I just weep/ Like a child every night.'> a mamoth cliche that will only cheapen this poem. it's just poor writing to put it nicely..you get the picture

-'I hate them. Good night. Again.'> this ending is so sudden i almost jumped, & then it's such a weird little dwarf of a last line, i didn't know what to think. it is so elementary it seems hard to follow because of how pointless this line is. 'i hate them' is on the edge of acceptance but 'good night. again' is where we plumett down the black hole. who are you saying good night to? & to write about someone living in a psyche ward, good night, when read aloud once again, sounds optimistic & seems disrespectful for this intimately forlorn poem that holds it's tone the whole way through until the last line shatters everything you've worked to give to the reader

-finally, the areas of the poem i didn't mention above, in my personal opinion, talk the talk but don't walk the walk. this peom's weakness is it simply tells nothing at all, because not one line shows the reader anything to hang onto. don't get me wrong-i have been & even in some recent pieces called out at times that tell here & there, & it's actually been my weakness, & i constantly have to fight it, so i know how hard it is to detect. i would recommend practicing awareness when you write. ask yourself if you're doing it line by line. that's what i do

cheers,
christin


Hibernation

2010-04-08
Christian,
first thing i noticed is how languid this peom is. the lines flow calmly despite the heated words on them. my question is-when a story has a happy ending as this one, what encouraged this turning point & how did you know where to put it...? this is neither good or bad in my eyes, just curious.

cheers,
christin


Is that all you got!

2010-04-08
hey!
i can see how you were chosen for cover. overall, i really noticed how the aggression runs parallel between the words you chose and the syntax that was so amazing-w/ the punctuations, line breaks & the raw truth, creating a viscious beginning that slowly becomes calm by the last stanza. it's like you used all poetic resourses possible to create a black forest w/ no mercy that communicates directly w/ the reader's imagination, which i don't think you yourself knew would be so strongly received-as equally as gave.
the first stanza was like fireworks shooting inches from your face. the rhythm is refreshing, tart &, when read allowed, sounds badass. that's really the perfect theme for the poem...for me anyway.
i do have one thing: for such a great poem, the last line seems weak & kinda disrespectful in a piece like this. i think it could be much better

thx for the read & cheers,
christin


Round and Round

2010-04-08
hey Sanchez!
i have you down as one of my writing buddies :), so i thought i'd check out your lastest text.
-i could make this a massive comment, but i'll try to simply put why i've chosen a few things to address...are you the wind that crushes the feather because he thinks he can fuck around w/ you (you being the wind)?? is Friday the day when roles reversed, & you took back your throne from the feather & then killed it? if not, then what the hell happened on friday? if there is something i'm not seeing, then explain because only a psychic could interpret what happened on dooms day Friday. 'That was the day when I forgot looking forward...,' because of what? how does this connect to the feather & wind?
-i'm going to stop here because i want to believe i'm just not seeing where you were going w/ this, but i would be lying if i didn't tell you in the back of my mind i don't think you really ever knew what you were writing about but thought it sounded cool. i understand what you have written, i just don't understand why you wrote it down in the first place. it's random

pls don't take this personally because all i am referring to is this particular 'poem,' not how you write or how well you write

cheers,
christin


A Quirky Quark

2010-04-08
hi Rik!
haven't been on the site for too long, but i remember you helping me w/ some of my poems in the past, so i figured i'd put my 2 cents in your latest poem. (only thing i don't like about this site is the two-sentence comments. i like real, sought after feedback, so that's what i give but let me know if that's not what you're wanting :)

-'...or when God throws the DICE/ the strangeness of your duplicity/ fuels the stars that charm the NIGHT.'> who are you kidding dude. if rhyming is the name of the game for this piece, than don't take short cuts. it's like you left one button undone on your shirt on purpose

-And as we wonder at your wonder/...you really are very queer.'> 2nd wonder is unnecessary & sounds a little corning read allowed/ in 'you Really are Very queer,' really & very seem a cheap was to emphasis queer because you don't know how to write. hate using this word, but it's very 'telly,' in other places as well

-however, the first stanza, despite it's rhyme mess, is very good, the word choice is sharp & gives an awesome intro into the subject you 'interwine' the right way, & not too much, throughout this piece. i also liked 'unnoticed until you are sought' (you actually wrote 'until your are sought' which i know you didn't mean), & it's those sort of lines that give this poem potential for even better poetry

(i'd really love to see what you think about the newest one i've posted. you can tell me where it needs help)
cheers,
christin


Standing in the Shadow

2010-04-07
oooweeeee, rebellious soul. i swear the Man Upstairs kicked me off my cloud at the wrong time. i was supposed to land in the early 60's so by the time i was in high school, college & my early 20's the pot would be perfect, reclining in the air
& hash...well...we'll save that for a rainy day.
but i am so very sorry if i've gotten off the beaten path a bit, i just love the environment you left me in. That poem & the memories that inspired you should be written down cause people like me, can not so much live vicariously, but get that moment that's now your poem, that's now another moment i made to be mine :)

cheers,
christin


Anticlimatic Anticipation

2009-09-16
hey! i appreciate your comment of the dismembered one. i've checked out a few of your pieces & admire the humour & the completely detached writings, bravely changing the style & makeup of one poem to another. i found that i could break this one down & throw you a few comments you probably don't even need. oh well (;

'Reaching for a summer that never came
I've tended to my garden
Waiting for a sun that never came' >this wordplay has enough grace to create natural rhythm that seemed to come quite easy for you. nice

'As I stand soaking, alone/ On this cracked and heaving concrete' >lovely line break & lovely on a lot of lines here as well. but... honestly, this is one of the many spaces that make no sense to me.

at first i automatically read the personification that is either there or not at all. if it is personification-'I wait for my love/ But she's (she is) a season that has done the same'> whether you're comparison is aimed at an individual or a literal season, has she done the same by waiting for her turn to be the current season? or is she doing the same by being a season that comes & goes when 'she' pleases, despite the hopeful longing that waits for her. those lines were quite charming, but not here, not now, not thrown up in the air, not forced.

lastly-'The sun turns to grey> what sun are you talking about? you wrote how it never came, right??

'Umbrellas... Nurturing depression'. nurturing depression in order to see the light, or nurturing depression to instill & maintain the depression?

i know i wrote a novel-sorry. i get that this is more of a comment site & not a crit. so i apologize if the comments are too long & blunt. sometimes i have too much to say, i admit.

cheers
christin


Anticlimatic Anticipation

2009-09-16
hey! i appreciate your comment of the dismembered one. i've checked out a few of your pieces & admire the humour & the completely detached writings, bravely changing the style & makeup of one poem to another. i found that i could break this one down & throw you a few comments you probably don't even need. oh well (;

'Reaching for a summer that never came
I've tended to my garden
Waiting for a sun that never came' >this wordplay has enough grace to create natural rhythm that seemed to come quite easy for you. nice

'As I stand soaking, alone/ On this cracked and heaving concrete' >lovely line break & lovely on a lot of lines here as well. but... honestly, this is one of the many spaces that make no sense to me.

at first i automatically read the personification that is either there or not at all. if it is personification-'I wait for my love/ But she's (she is) a season that has done the same'> whether you're comparison is aimed at an individual or a literal season, has she done the same by waiting for her turn to be the current season? or is she doing the same by being a season that comes & goes when 'she' pleases, despite the hopeful longing that waits for her. those lines were quite charming, but not here, not now, not thrown up in the air, not forced.

lastly-'The sun turns to grey> what sun are you talking about? you wrote how it never came, right??

'Umbrellas... Nurturing depression'. nurturing depression in order to see the light, or nurturing depression to instill & maintain the depression?

i know i wrote a novel-sorry. i get that this is more of a comment site & not a crit. so i apologize if the comments are too long & blunt. sometimes i have too much to say, i admit.

cheers
christin


Less we forget.

2009-08-28
i was reading through some of my posts & wanted to say thanks for your input from awhile ago. i just read some of your work & wanted to contribute.
it was interesting to me that when you pulled through some of my work, you found that 'time' was a root to the trees that most judged by the leaves. love the metaphors. anyway-a couple of poems you wrote, seem completely writtled with personal regret time has held the throne of, helplessly, without the very thought of choice.
obviously i depict the same but had no clue of 10 minutes ago when i read your comments. nice crit poet

cheers
christin


The burden of being a Sun that shines over the so called "Blue Planet"

2009-08-28
Sanchez-
i was very drawn to this poem after the first line, smart. yes, behind all the clutter & rules, crits are supposed to call out the technicality in poetry...i can say that so far-this feels like a poem that is naturally constructed by a writer. i'll go as far as saying some people just got it & some don't :)
"...it came from behind the mountains..."> great line but should be refined. 'it came from behind...' is a rocky road. i want to read 'it came behind' on impulse. at the same time-i can see past the rocks. awesome personification. it is very elegant & mysterious.
am i the only one that sees sex as the underlying spine in the second part??
& since you chose an intricate structure, i'd hope that was as much a form of language as the words. if so, i spent too much time trying to find the conveyance of the first & second part & their connection. enlighten me if i'm wrong.

cheers
christin


Not Catching You

2009-08-22
i can appreciate your poem-i just have a few comments.

+ "I hear your breath in the morning/ and your sigh late at night,"> awesome lines that i actually can't define. it rings wonderfully with imagery & an untouched sadness.
+ "I follow eyes and the tilt of smiles,"> this is my favorite line. there is such wonder in pure clarity. this doesn't get acknowledged as much as it should in crits. it is taken for granted, but makes a huge difference if replaced by forced obscurity.

+ "...from stars shooting past."> shooting stars rings in my ears with cliche. in my opinion, it is an eruption to this poem's potential.
+ "Your moon shaped nails..."> this sounds forced & is a little out there to be considered decent imagery. i have been guilty of it myself, but it's unfortunately easy to detect when it's someone elses poem.
"love poetry" is actually my least favorite theme, but this was more pleasant than a lot of poetry bravely written on love

christin


Who Counts a Woman's Tears

2009-08-22
bittersweet. i wanted more, but i have to admit you closed this poem enough to hang without being hung. a few comments:
first line: "The abscission of voice comes,"> calm yet executed. the way the sharp, mysterious cutting off that 'comes' to linger before it approaches the place where you stand is a beautiful whisper for such an ache most would scream out loud.
the rest of the poem fell in place with grace.

christin


Red rain...

2007-10-17
While I'm at it, I'm trying to get more comments on my poems because I'm so new...would you mind taking a look & letting me know what you think ;)


Red rain...

2007-10-17
Whimsical with a sarcastic tone. I enjoyed it :)


no, woman, nuh cry

2007-10-17
Great write. I was questionable about the short line structures, but you pulled it off beautifully, rhythmatically well!


Maybe Next Time

2007-10-13
I felt that the because you avoided proper punctuation, it was, in this particular poem, a distraction. I believe it actually hindered the flow.