F.i.in.e Moods

Est-ce que j'ai dit quelque chose de croche ?

Est-ce que je t'ai bouleversé de quelque façon ?

Est-ce que tu es inconfortable vis-à-vis moi ?

Je demande car tu sembles avoir disparu

Sans prononcer un seul mot pour expliquer

Et cela a tendance à prendre toute la place

Je réévalue toutes nos conversations

J'essaie de voir ce que j'ai dit pour causer

Ce soudain changement entre nous deux

Est-ce que c'est moi qui est trop sensible ?

Est-ce que je perçois la situation incorrectement ?

Est-ce que mon interprétation est sans fondement ?

Le silence peut avoir plusieurs significations

Mais habituellement il indique un problème, car

Qui se retire sans dire un mot quand tout va bien ?

De mon expérience, personne ne fait ça

C'est pourquoi je me demande ce qui se passe

- social etiquette online seems to be non existent...

I kind of expect it now

'Cause it's pretty regular

At some point, the new friend

Will distance themselves away

Usually without any word,

Usually mid-conversation,

And I'll be left to notice

That there's a difference

But I won't have the privilege

Of knowing that the matter is

It's really not great

But what can I do?

Apparently, this is how

Things are done online

I do realize that I'm using up

A lot of your time, and no doubt

Often using up your emotional

Resources, and I'm not happy

To be doing that to you...

I do realize that my problems

Can be a bit much, at times,

And it certainly shouldn't be

Anything that you feel you need

To fix 'cause that's not reasonable...

So I think it's time for me to

Withdraw, and restore your peace.

- welfare check for suicidal thoughts by the police... not what was going on, but they had to check it out anyway because someone was concerned... but...

it was unnervingly unsettling... they looked like that, they didn't identify themselves, they were brusque, and didn't really involve me in the intervention about my well-being... it felt pretty surreal and very far from reassuring or calming... 

the uniform that the Québec police wear

makes them look like they're ready for combat

all kitted up with tactical gear, for some reason

all the way to camo pants and firearm...

it's hard to believe that they send officers

looking like that for a welfare check 

and don't realize how that might affect

someone who they believe is vulnerable... 

how's that in line with the best interests

of anyone who may be in a crisis? 

All those talks we had,

How I was trying hard to

Figure out what's going

On with those episodes,

And you being comforting,

giving me support, always

How I wish you were still

Here so I could tell you what

I figured out finally, and

The help I found to make

It stop, it'd have been so

Great for you to know that

After all this time of worry

How I wish I could have

Made it go away finally

I know you'd have been

Happy to hear the good news

You've been around for so much

This would have been the best

How I wish I could have let you know

I think death is a very personal experience
And the process is influenced by our beliefs

For some, they encounter bright lights and
Loved-ones greeting and guiding them onward

For others, no such things present themselves
In fact, there's nothing that presents itself at all

For my part, I simply can't believe in life after death
As my experiences of death were the same each time

A last memory of everything going black
And nothing further beyond that point

It's these experiences that lead me to think

Life after death isn't a plausible reality

But that's just me

- although I've been through many therapies in my life, I've only found out recently that I've been experiencing symptoms of trauma and what those symptoms are called... here I was all these years thinking I was going crazy...

the medical cannabis was prescribed to help manage the chronic pain of hEDS seeing as medications always cause me severe side-effects... however, turns out it's also effective for trauma symptoms such as somatic memories...

Google Definition : Somatic memories, often termed "body memories," are lingering, non-cognitive physical sensations of discomfort, pain, or tension stored in the body's nervous system and tissues rather than consciously recalled by the mind. Frequently linked to past trauma or severe stress, these implicit memories can trigger physical reactions like muscle tension, digestive issues, or flashbacks. 

I also learned that self-harm is a common trauma response... I began doing that when I was around 9 or 10 years old... it was my way to have some sort of control over all the distress I was going through... it provided me solace, calm, and control... it was the best feeling I'd experienced... 

I did that into my adulthood... although in my adulthood, it was more sporadic and episodical... I did come to stop completely for a number of years... so when all of this started back in June, it felt to me like it came out of nowhere...  it's absolutely thrown me off... but I think it may finally be over now...

to me, it feels like the end of a nightmare...

Here's what's been happening since June :

Because of hEDS' effects on my body,

I fell into a state of deep exhaustion

That exhaustion couldn't hold back

The resurfacing of somatic memories

Those somatic memories recalled old

Wounds my body experienced once

Made those old wounds intensely throb

As though they were currently happening

Those strong sensations made my mind

Embark on a campaign to recreate them

And although I could rationalize this course

Of action wasn't in any of my best interests

I came to a point in my resistance where I

Simply faltered, folded, and went ahead

And when I did, it quickly became dangerous

'Cause there could never be enough blood, so...

There were no suicidal intentions

Just an obsession to see and feel it again

It's the scariest place to be with yourself

Losing the control to help yourself in any way

Seeing that you're killing yourself and

Not being able to stop what you're doing

Even though you clearly know it's crazy...

That's what was going on since June

But it feels over now, ever since I started

Taking medical cannabis this last week

Turns out the oil is also effective at cutting

Out the somatic memories' sensations

So that throbbing that makes me

Lose it is not felt at all, it's gone

Consequently, so is the fight against

Unhinged urges - I'm profoundly relieved

Truly feels like the end of a nightmare