F.i.in.e Moods

i'm not one to bitch, really,

but, FFS, what the hell is this

you've got to be kidding me

i carried and supported you

while you were in a total hole

so why are you doing this now

FFS, give me a break already

i've cared and looked after you

all while you never cared to do so

someday I hope you'll realize

that I did all that I could do

surely you realize it had to stop

love is not in question in this

so, don't dare to flip it my way

you know very well it's not me

concentrate your frustrations

on figuring out how to sort

your circumstances finally

it's got nothing to do with us

surely you already know that fact

so please, try to just get on with it

The wish is, if there was a way,

We'd disappear and go off

On our own to wherever time

Would see fit for the both of us.

'Cause what's on offer right now

It's nothing inspiring or uplifting

And I know the two of us deserve

Way better than all of this madness.

At some point, at some time, I guess,

We'll be able to accomplish this need.

Everything else is so unimportant

And so much of a repeating situation.

And while it's not to say that the world

That surrounds us is full of... you know.

At least you and I, that part is very real.

The best anyone could ever dream of.

So why through all of the happiness of us

The grips of this insidious state in me

Still has the power to annul everything.

It makes absolutely no sense, in reality.

So here were are.  Both of us beaten down.

Not by any thing in particular, just general.

And though we love each other greatly

We still haven't found how to be open

Without sending the other in a heap

Of worry and fear of what's to come.

That's just not on, but here we are.

We're each on our sides falling apart.

- after months of intense stress, the unwinding dawns the inkling that things are not as well as thought...

Oh, I think I'm in trouble.

My head is lit up and

The thoughts are fired up.

And I apparently can't seem

To get myself to shut up.

Out of the ordinary to get

A hyper sensation during

Such downs, 'cause mine

Usually fall well

Below the floor...

Oh, I think I'm realizing

That I'm heading there

Again.  It's coming now.

This is most different as

It never starts that way:

I'm hopped up; can't stop.

So much so that it just

Dawned on me that I

Haven't slept or eaten

In at least two days now.

Oh, I think I'm in trouble.

- taking Thomas D's advice and just trying to let words that come lead the way, but so far without much success... so I took out my own notebooks (1990-2019) to seek out the bits that came from nowhere and went nowhere, I think... here are a few I picked out for no particular reason, the contexts of their 'creation' is long gone... if any of them strike thoughts for elaboration or continuation, please don't hesitate to let me know... maybe something can come out of it (inspiration for my head or a collaboration or whatever may be possible, if anything)...

01.

We don't know anymore.

What's left to explore?

The circling wheels

piercingly squeal...

and no chance they'll relent

or will we circumvent

their ongoing persistance

to not stop this numbing trance

02.

Passive seconds without interest,

lean over, lending an unconcerned

glance towards minutes...

03.

All the pretty thoughts

toss, and then twist

to a darkness so deep,

releasing all that's needed

to be forgotten.

Rest decides to follow suit,

and joins happiness to its

most secret hideaway,

isolated, unknown spot.

Might as well.

Too tired to move, and

too beyond exhausted

to find sleep, circling

misery as though it were

the grandest of all get-togethers.

Then there're the chaotic voices

that mix in, like extra spices to

flavor these tasteless moments.

And loud, unstoppable laughter,

Prodding the edge of a fraying

Sanity's feeble hold.

04.

Could it be understood

If I proceeded to tell

That I'm not always good

At pretending I'm well

05.

Words look as

though they

will lose sense

of the North

and trip over

a mound of

arrested

development

06.

Who needs drugs when

there's sleep deprivation?

07.

Reality takes me

out at the back, in

the dark alley, to

remind me

that I'm nothing.

08.

His heart meandered

in the maze of confusion

until the crossroad section

came to appear in his view.

He wondered in earnest,

within the limits of the trench,

wary to place foot on mine,

if his affections could mend.

He looked above in silent prayer,

contemplating the values of his maker,

trying to find an iota of necessity for

the overabundance of tragedy.

His heart thumped while he

stumbled in a maze of desolation.

Another day, another night,

the invisibility hinders destiny.

09.

The effect of you being around?  It's like trying to get a cat hair off the tongue...

10.

Maestro, bestow

upon us, your vision.

Sway our spirits

inside pacifying songs

choreographed from

your giving soul.

"Tu es brave dans ton amour
Voué à la compassion
Plus belle inspiration
Tu dis la vérité
Sincère dans tes intentions
Ton coeur sur la main
Mon coeur dans ta main
Mon amour"

- Above is an excerpt of lyrics from a Poets of the Fall song titled "Partir avec moi", a French version of their song "The Sweet Escape" from their last album... it's the song referenced in my text (the one I'm listening to as I write this), and it makes me feel a lot for all of the reasons mentioned... to my douce moitié, je t'aime... 

Mon amour, quand cette mélodie

flotte dans l'air, je ne peux m'empêcher

de me laisser faire transporter dans

toutes les sensations que c'est d'être

complètement en amour avec toi

et de t'avoir à mes côtés comme j'ai

la chance depuis plusieurs années.

C'est le sentiment le plus certain de toutes

questions qui se passent dans ma tête...

My love, when this melody

is floating in the air, I can't help

from letting myself go into

every sensation that there is

to be completely in love with you

and to have you by my side like I have

had the chance for many years now.

It's the surest feeling of all the

questions that go on in my mind...

Mon amour, s'il y a une chose dont je

suis sans hésitation ou doute à savoir,

c'est notre histoire qui a le plus de sens

dans toutes les autres qui nous entourent.

Cette vie est si pleine de hasards, et toi,

tu es mon plus beau, plus chanceux,

rempli de tendresse, et que dire de tes

caresses qui me font soulever de désirs...

My love, if there's one thing for which I

have no hesitation or doubt about knowing,

it's our story which has the most sense

in all of the other ones around us.

This life is so full of outcomes relying on chance,

and you, you're my most beautiful, most lucky,

full of tenderness, and what to say of your

caresses that lift me with desires...

Tout ça me plonge dans l'imagination

électrique où nos corps sont unis

et nous nous laissons aller dans nos

plaisirs si sublimes, comme un beau

rêve qu'on ne veut pas qui finisse...

Mon amour, cette chanson me fait

ressentir qu'on est en ballade ensembles

et nous filons vers notre destin si mérité.

All of this makes me jump into an electrified

imagination where our bodies are united

and we're letting ourselves free in our

pleasures so sublime, like a beautiful

dream we wish would never end...

My love, this song makes me

feel like we're out on a stroll together

and we're heading toward our deserved destiny.

- about the darkness... an all too familiar fierce foe of mine as well which often during the course of my life nearly claimed me... and these thoughts and distraction methods I've had to work really hard at them to be able to apply them in those moments... it takes practice, but with time it does afford a little bit of help to diminish the intensity of otherwise overtaking moments like these...

My love goes out to all

Whose heart is about to burst

And is under the strain of a

Crushingly convincing weight

That spurs to mind all sorts

Of final scenarios to make it stop

Know that isn't near the truth

Or reality of a reasonable option

Remember that you do laugh

Remember that you do love

Remember that you are loved

Remember that it all matters

'Cause it's the best part of life

And you've felt it worthwhile

Many times over before this

Really helps to force remembering

Only now in the veil of deceptive whispers,

And shouts that nag all concentration

While sucking all the air out of the space

Because the beast has risen to grind its teeth

Against you and all that matters on all levels

Is why you'd even consider any such thing

Otherwise, you're the one who stands strong

Who'll say what needs to be said without holds

Is honest and passionate, obviously a sensitive

Soul who paints the views of a world in need of it

In a talent for words that makes us take notice

That's not nothing.  That's not unimportant

Those are only some of the reasons I know

And though we're strangers, got'em from you

These feelings must count

Since they exist 'cause of you

To you whose heart is about to burst

And is under the strain of a

Crushingly convincing weight

That spurs to mind all sorts...

Can I hold out my hand to you?

Maybe we can remember together

And spend time talking, reminiscing for

That crashing wave needn't be ridden alone

- when a bureaucrat tells you that you "misunderstood", after weeks of chasing them up on what they said they'd be doing for you and they did nothing...

At moments we're just left a bit baffled,

And wonder if we're going crazy.  

I don't think that we suffer

Any intellectual impediments,

But in the way we're being received

By these people, it feels like they're

Making a lot of effort to make us believe it!

No.  We most certainly didn't misunderstand.

We shook hands, eyes locked, when what

Would happen next was confirmed between

Us at the end of the meeting with them.

It couldn't have been any clearer than that.

The audacity of this guy is astounding...

We misunderstood.  Right.  It must be that.

More like we fell on the office slacker.

You know, the one who looks so very

Busy, but is actually doing nothing? 

Their whole day is focused on all

The littlest irrelevant things to do,

Just so that they look on task. We got

That one.  Resorting to platitudes like:

There was a misunderstanding

On our part (when confronted

With the fact nothing was done

On their part).  But there wasn't.

Seems like that's the cop out phrase

To hide their bacon behind, and to

Hell with how the client will live it.

So, yeah.  All of this is so maddening.

We're not idiots.  We're not disorganized.

We follow really well what is said to us.

So, often with them, we're just left a bit

Baffled, and wonder if we're going crazy.  

And I don't think that we suffer

Any intellectual impediments...

Imagine if they'd put all

Of that effort they put in

To make us believe it,

Into actually helping people.

That's a nice thought.