F.i.in.e Moods

To be honest, I don't know anymore.

My reasons to carry on keep diminishing

From view, and I try to hold on to them,

But the only thing that gives me feelings

Of a hopeful nature is that there'll be an end.

The only one capable of growing, it seems.

The rest, there's just nothing left for me.

It all feels irrational like beating a dead horse.

It all feels like a monumental waste of time

Trying to reconnect to any sort of dreams.

Add to it a body in decline way too early, making

Every simple thing additional mountains to climb.

The main theme of this is utter exhaustion

It takes too immense amounts of energy

To constantly try hard and fail hard at each turn.

There does come a point when enough's enough.

So, I can't wait to die

Is the cold of it.

I won't make it happen,

That's for sure, I can't.

But I eagerly wait for it.

à vrai dire, 

c'est que je

ne m'en peux

juste plus

j'ai plus

qu'essayé

le souffle

me manque

la game

est bel

et bien

finie

reste juste

à composer

la conclusion

à présent

- certaines techniques sont réellement trop nounounes... j'arrive mal à voir comment on peut penser qu'elles sont bonnes, mais voilà, elles sont utilisées tout le temps quand même en relations d'aide... ça me dépasse à chaque fois... c'est peut-être parce que je suis en train de vieillir, je commence à développer un sérieux manque d'endurance et de patience envers ces techniques... 

J'ai l'impression de parler

À quelqu'un qui pratique des

Techniques d'écoute active

Et de renforcement positif,

Ou encore, quelqu'un

Qui joue à un rôle qu'il pense

Avoir dans ma vie, tout d'un coup.

J'suis une personne ; pas un scénario !

Les réponses que vous me donnez

Pendant nos discussions sont

Des platitudes et des stupidités

Qui ne cessent jamais de m'épater.

C'est là qu'on voit la claire différence

Entre la théorie et la pratique ;

Où elle est peut-être belle sur papier,

Mais complètement nulle en réalité.

Ces techniques ne fonctionnent pas.

Elles ont plus l'effet de la condescension

Et c'est irritant de se faire traiter en épais.

Mon problème n'est pas intellectuel...

Me parler comme vous le faites laisse croire

Que vous devez penser je suis une idiote.

En tout cas, c'est l'impression que vous créez

Avec ce que vous me répondez qui est si nono.

Par exemple, que c'est digne d'éloges et de fierté

De vouloir régler sa situation de pauvreté...

WTF, j'suis supposée de faire quoi avec ça ?

Cette assertion est réellement trop niaiseuse.

Il n'y a tout simplement pas de mots...

- living with social phobias/agoraphobia... 

The hope is that you know

My long absences are never

A reflection of my emotions

For you; I'm always loving you.

My inability to always manage

How anxiety, fear march straight in

Like ruthless generals on a mission

Is all it's always about; nothing else.

It's a bit like a hostage situation

With a lot of intense negotiating

That always takes a little while to sort.

It all holds me back from everything.

So I'm hoping that you know I love you.

There's no telling what I'd do without you.

She died a long time ago now

It's just they haven't noticed it yet

Sorry my silence made you lose it,

But if you took a moment to view

The situation from my perspective,

You'd get I really didn't know

What I could possibly respond.

Imagine my surprise to find out

After all of these years we've known

Each other, you have a mean streak.

Truly didn't see that one coming at all.

So, what did you expect I could ever say?

Your feeling aggrieved and insulted

Is completely incomprehensible for

The particular circumstances which

Have brought us to this unfortunate point.

You meddled; gossiped; then attacked me

For not replying when it all came to the light.

Uncalled for really doesn't describe it properly,

Mais voilà, here we are

You seek to destroy me

Because I didn't jump in.

Speaking of stability, ...

Our perpetual silence

Isn't a reassuring thing

It invades all the space

And all peace...

Not sure my heart

Can endure it much longer

This is unusual, unexpected

And unexplained...

- after two months of chasing people, I finally got my first appointment for physio yesterday... I feel encouraged after my first visit... for some reason though, the therapist's shape struck me... can't say I've ever seen a health professional looking like that...

My physiotherapist looks

Like Mr. Clean with hair

On his head and his face.

Lots of well-defined muscle

On that frame (I felt tiny!),

But the gentlest way when

He did his examinations.

It was remarkably gentle,

Yet firm and skilled all in one.

For sure the exams left me

In pain, but it wasn't 'cause

The examiner was moving

Me around brusquely or

Without thinking,

For a welcome change.

Must say, it was a surprise

To see such a muscled guy.

Not sure what I expected,

But it definitely wasn't this.

Become blaringly obvious

Your expectations have

Been disappointed and

You wished for a lot more...

It's also clear to all of us

Your preoccupations are

About what you don't have

Instead of what you do have...

A shame throbs on since the day

You said our love couldn't be seen

Or apparently be felt by you...

A more surprising response

There really couldn't have been one

Or could it ever have been imagined

Those words have a knocking out

Effect forever invading the heart

And what's a mother to say...

- 25 years today... it's hard to believe, really... I'm ok, just October is the month many traumatic events happened in my life... so the change of the season kind of brings me back despite myself... thinking of D. today...

No, I refuse to revisit that specific point in time.

I won’t let the season’s change of air

swerve me back onto that memory’s pull

It’s one that is better left sleeping restfully.

I will only say you were a beautiful time

A beautiful friend whom I loved dearly

Today I remember you did for me too

as well as know the last scene wasn’t for me.

And this is where it needs to be kept

No more and no less, or face it all again.

As for time being some kind of healer

some tragedies will no matter just stay raw.

So, instead, on this ‘anniversary’ of your funeral

my thoughts engage on a beautiful time

a beautiful friend whom I loved dearly

and I only will to remember that you did too.