F.i.in.e Moods

- after months of intense stress, the unwinding dawns the inkling that things are not as well as thought...

Oh, I think I'm in trouble.

My head is lit up and

The thoughts are fired up.

And I apparently can't seem

To get myself to shut up.

Out of the ordinary to get

A hyper sensation during

Such downs, 'cause mine

Usually fall well

Below the floor...

Oh, I think I'm realizing

That I'm heading there

Again.  It's coming now.

This is most different as

It never starts that way:

I'm hopped up; can't stop.

So much so that it just

Dawned on me that I

Haven't slept or eaten

In at least two days now.

Oh, I think I'm in trouble.

- taking Thomas D's advice and just trying to let words that come lead the way, but so far without much success... so I took out my own notebooks (1990-2019) to seek out the bits that came from nowhere and went nowhere, I think... here are a few I picked out for no particular reason, the contexts of their 'creation' is long gone... if any of them strike thoughts for elaboration or continuation, please don't hesitate to let me know... maybe something can come out of it (inspiration for my head or a collaboration or whatever may be possible, if anything)...

01.

We don't know anymore.

What's left to explore?

The circling wheels

piercingly squeal...

and no chance they'll relent

or will we circumvent

their ongoing persistance

to not stop this numbing trance

02.

Passive seconds without interest,

lean over, lending an unconcerned

glance towards minutes...

03.

All the pretty thoughts

toss, and then twist

to a darkness so deep,

releasing all that's needed

to be forgotten.

Rest decides to follow suit,

and joins happiness to its

most secret hideaway,

isolated, unknown spot.

Might as well.

Too tired to move, and

too beyond exhausted

to find sleep, circling

misery as though it were

the grandest of all get-togethers.

Then there're the chaotic voices

that mix in, like extra spices to

flavor these tasteless moments.

And loud, unstoppable laughter,

Prodding the edge of a fraying

Sanity's feeble hold.

04.

Could it be understood

If I proceeded to tell

That I'm not always good

At pretending I'm well

05.

Words look as

though they

will lose sense

of the North

and trip over

a mound of

arrested

development

06.

Who needs drugs when

there's sleep deprivation?

07.

Reality takes me

out at the back, in

the dark alley, to

remind me

that I'm nothing.

08.

His heart meandered

in the maze of confusion

until the crossroad section

came to appear in his view.

He wondered in earnest,

within the limits of the trench,

wary to place foot on mine,

if his affections could mend.

He looked above in silent prayer,

contemplating the values of his maker,

trying to find an iota of necessity for

the overabundance of tragedy.

His heart thumped while he

stumbled in a maze of desolation.

Another day, another night,

the invisibility hinders destiny.

09.

The effect of you being around?  It's like trying to get a cat hair off the tongue...

10.

Maestro, bestow

upon us, your vision.

Sway our spirits

inside pacifying songs

choreographed from

your giving soul.

"Tu es brave dans ton amour
Voué à la compassion
Plus belle inspiration
Tu dis la vérité
Sincère dans tes intentions
Ton coeur sur la main
Mon coeur dans ta main
Mon amour"

- Above is an excerpt of lyrics from a Poets of the Fall song titled "Partir avec moi", a French version of their song "The Sweet Escape" from their last album... it's the song referenced in my text (the one I'm listening to as I write this), and it makes me feel a lot for all of the reasons mentioned... to my douce moitié, je t'aime... 

Mon amour, quand cette mélodie

flotte dans l'air, je ne peux m'empêcher

de me laisser faire transporter dans

toutes les sensations que c'est d'être

complètement en amour avec toi

et de t'avoir à mes côtés comme j'ai

la chance depuis plusieurs années.

C'est le sentiment le plus certain de toutes

questions qui se passent dans ma tête...

My love, when this melody

is floating in the air, I can't help

from letting myself go into

every sensation that there is

to be completely in love with you

and to have you by my side like I have

had the chance for many years now.

It's the surest feeling of all the

questions that go on in my mind...

Mon amour, s'il y a une chose dont je

suis sans hésitation ou doute à savoir,

c'est notre histoire qui a le plus de sens

dans toutes les autres qui nous entourent.

Cette vie est si pleine de hasards, et toi,

tu es mon plus beau, plus chanceux,

rempli de tendresse, et que dire de tes

caresses qui me font soulever de désirs...

My love, if there's one thing for which I

have no hesitation or doubt about knowing,

it's our story which has the most sense

in all of the other ones around us.

This life is so full of outcomes relying on chance,

and you, you're my most beautiful, most lucky,

full of tenderness, and what to say of your

caresses that lift me with desires...

Tout ça me plonge dans l'imagination

électrique où nos corps sont unis

et nous nous laissons aller dans nos

plaisirs si sublimes, comme un beau

rêve qu'on ne veut pas qui finisse...

Mon amour, cette chanson me fait

ressentir qu'on est en ballade ensembles

et nous filons vers notre destin si mérité.

All of this makes me jump into an electrified

imagination where our bodies are united

and we're letting ourselves free in our

pleasures so sublime, like a beautiful

dream we wish would never end...

My love, this song makes me

feel like we're out on a stroll together

and we're heading toward our deserved destiny.

- about the darkness... an all too familiar fierce foe of mine as well which often during the course of my life nearly claimed me... and these thoughts and distraction methods I've had to work really hard at them to be able to apply them in those moments... it takes practice, but with time it does afford a little bit of help to diminish the intensity of otherwise overtaking moments like these...

My love goes out to all

Whose heart is about to burst

And is under the strain of a

Crushingly convincing weight

That spurs to mind all sorts

Of final scenarios to make it stop

Know that isn't near the truth

Or reality of a reasonable option

Remember that you do laugh

Remember that you do love

Remember that you are loved

Remember that it all matters

'Cause it's the best part of life

And you've felt it worthwhile

Many times over before this

Really helps to force remembering

Only now in the veil of deceptive whispers,

And shouts that nag all concentration

While sucking all the air out of the space

Because the beast has risen to grind its teeth

Against you and all that matters on all levels

Is why you'd even consider any such thing

Otherwise, you're the one who stands strong

Who'll say what needs to be said without holds

Is honest and passionate, obviously a sensitive

Soul who paints the views of a world in need of it

In a talent for words that makes us take notice

That's not nothing.  That's not unimportant

Those are only some of the reasons I know

And though we're strangers, got'em from you

These feelings must count

Since they exist 'cause of you

To you whose heart is about to burst

And is under the strain of a

Crushingly convincing weight

That spurs to mind all sorts...

Can I hold out my hand to you?

Maybe we can remember together

And spend time talking, reminiscing for

That crashing wave needn't be ridden alone

- when a bureaucrat tells you that you "misunderstood", after weeks of chasing them up on what they said they'd be doing for you and they did nothing...

At moments we're just left a bit baffled,

And wonder if we're going crazy.  

I don't think that we suffer

Any intellectual impediments,

But in the way we're being received

By these people, it feels like they're

Making a lot of effort to make us believe it!

No.  We most certainly didn't misunderstand.

We shook hands, eyes locked, when what

Would happen next was confirmed between

Us at the end of the meeting with them.

It couldn't have been any clearer than that.

The audacity of this guy is astounding...

We misunderstood.  Right.  It must be that.

More like we fell on the office slacker.

You know, the one who looks so very

Busy, but is actually doing nothing? 

Their whole day is focused on all

The littlest irrelevant things to do,

Just so that they look on task. We got

That one.  Resorting to platitudes like:

There was a misunderstanding

On our part (when confronted

With the fact nothing was done

On their part).  But there wasn't.

Seems like that's the cop out phrase

To hide their bacon behind, and to

Hell with how the client will live it.

So, yeah.  All of this is so maddening.

We're not idiots.  We're not disorganized.

We follow really well what is said to us.

So, often with them, we're just left a bit

Baffled, and wonder if we're going crazy.  

And I don't think that we suffer

Any intellectual impediments...

Imagine if they'd put all

Of that effort they put in

To make us believe it,

Into actually helping people.

That's a nice thought.

Sorry, this is most 'a little' screwed up

A raging reality to take into account

Nothing wills it, for sure, even though a

Glaring contradiction it's turning out to be

Do you really understand the position?

Pardon me that I don't wish to continue

Is there any other path in an unseen plan?

Well, time for him to let me go to find out

Don't know.  This is most screwed up

As reality is to be decided, apparently

It's over the line, in all ways and forms

While we know who we are, don't we?

The past

The present

The future

Are all colliding

So here I am

Sorting through

It as best as I

Can around it all

The past:  a few knocks

The present:  a mixture

The future:  unknown

But I'm ready to take it on

I'll make it work

Head toward belief

Won't let my doubts prevail

As I move closer to better

Or so I feel

I'm getting to

Must admit I was taken a little aback

When you said what you said recently

I know that my surprise isn't from out

Of nowhere considering how you've been

With me in the last long while since you lied

And I found you out not for the reasons

You've been propagating among my friends

And you know it, that you crossed a line

You then turn around and say what you said

Who's the true miserable and questionable one?

You've made things unbearable for a while

But now I'm confident about who I'm dealing with

So you'll have to excuse me if I don't return the sentiment

You've caused enough damage and I won't let you anymore

I don't know how you mesmerize otherwise intelligent people

To believe all of your fabulations and defense mechanisms

That kick in for survival and saving your face when they start

To crumble and threaten to make you lose your credibility

You'll bury anyone in your path who contradicts you

Or is able to bring to light what you're actually doing... right?

So I'm not quite sure why you said what you said recently

And why you're currently seeking me out in this manner

- French ramblings...

ces pensées sont au-dessus

de mes talents à exprimer

mais voilà, j'essaye tout de même

sachant trop bien que ça ne fera pas

malgré le fait que mon essai

va être tout à fait inadéquat

je tente l'expérience, en espérant

que je vais formuler quelque chose

de présentable et même retenable

mais j'ai de grands doutes là-dessus

mes tentatives jusqu'à date sont

sans pour autant dire très médiocres

alors je crois que je suis mieux

d'abandonner cette ligne de pensée

m'en tenir aux faits et m'adapter

à ce qu'ils demandent de la situation

cette situation sans issue, sans réparation

elle est ce qu'elle est, c'est la vérité de la chose

mieux vaut s'en réconcilier maintenant

une fois pour toute ou espérer l'impossible

en tout cas, ce serait comme espérer

sans réelle chance envers le changement

si cette obstination était à perdurer

ce serait mieux de savoir pourquoi

car en ce moment, rien de tout ceci

fait aucun sens, c'est la réalisation

et ce qui vient après n'est pas établi

et si je suis prête, c'est une autre question

une question qui se répond très mal

malheureusement, serait la réponse

la suite m'est autant inconnue

et nous voilà à présent

je ne sais pas

toi non plus

et personne d'autre

aussi

- maybe a bit weird, but he was a nice person to me when I needed it as a child... he made a difference that I still think back on fondly today...

Ok, well, there'll be glaring

Sad parts to what I'll be on about here

But they're only to provide context

And definitely not be the focal point

Of why I'm telling you about it

This takes place when I was a child

Around the age of 9 or so,

But it'd been happening before then

Every day after school, my brother

And I were awaited by kids for a beating

On our way home from school,

Knowing what awaited us each day,

We'd seek out the Parents-Secours signs

On the houses on the way to ours

Just to make it home safe

The neighborhood kids acted hostile against us

I didn't understand it at the time, but as an adult,

Recalling the words of some adults at the time

Telling me:  "I know why you can't go to Marie's house anymore."

And when I asked why, they said to me that they can't tell me

Thinking back on that, why would any adult say that to a child?

Maybe their children heard their parents' bitching and griping

About my parents?  If so, obviously their gripes were violent

For their kids to think it ok to treat us this way, or so I think now

But I really don't know.  Mean-spirited adults have very negative

Effects on how their own children behave, I've come to believe

But anyway, that's not the story.  The story is about our neighborhood

Mailman and how he witnessed our assaults after school

Many days during the week; he was around.  So we would walk

Together back home, and I was safe ... And our conversations were great

I can't say that I remember the specifics of those conversations

But the strong happy feeling remains in my memories

I think he enjoyed my company as well

When he was assigned to a new route in his job

He gave me a big bag of pennies and let me know he was going

We said goodbye then

I still remember him today

In those years, there weren't many

Trustworthy adults, and even though

He was a total stranger, he couldn't

Have been any nicer

This is a really good memory

Thought I'd share it as best

As I can.  He was simply a really

Very good, kind-hearted man

*Parents-Secours:  a city registered community initiative to help children in the neighborhood who need help when their parents aren't around... Registrants to the program get a big card they can put in their window.  So children who need their help, see their sign and ring their doorbell, they're supposed to help.  When I was in elementary school that's what was around anyway...