F.i.in.e Moods

Unable to think,

Or write,

Or talk,

To explain any of it.

The energy,

Or want,

Or care,

To do so won't come.

Besides,

(In all truth,)

It's probably

For the best anyway.

How many ways

Can be described

About breaking

And losing hold

On my last

Remaining

Marbles knocking

Into one another?

Or how life is

Imaginatively

Hurtful, and it's

In no hurry to stop?

I mean,

What's the point.

It's not a new story, and 

Dealing with your own is enough.

Quand ce sont des cons qui gèrent le tout

Dans un système tout autant con qu'eux

Faut pas s'attendre à des miracles

J'sais b'en que moi, j'n'y crois plus...

One imagines he said these things
in an attempt to be helpful, but still,
the words came in feeling like a shock.

He had said something along these lines:
"You must first begin by forgiving yourself."
I think I'd have liked to throttle him had I

been that way inclined by nature - I'm not -
so, instead, I calmly breathed in, then exhaled
for a moment before I delivered my thoughts.

I said: "Really? If you forgive yourself before
the one you've trespassed against forgives you,
how is that not: 1) selfish, 2) the grandest of insolences?"

Judging by the surprised look on his face,
I guess he hadn't thought of that perspective.
Recovered-anythings have a tendency to forget;

about the receiving end, more specifically.
I guess they need that part to disappear
in order to be able to move on...

See, I felt this strongly about it
'cause it's been done to me by my maniac family,
and there's no way in hell I'd ever do the same.

It's a level of disrespect I can't fathom
would ever bring me a healing touch, as he
suggests. I find it completely absurd.

Forgive myself as a first step,
even if I've not received forgiveness
from the ones I hurt when the thing happened?

It doesn't sound right.
It doesn't feel right.
I just can't get on board.

- un trop plein, un moment donné...

B'en oui, pourquoi pas ?

Allez-y, j'ai le dos large.

Ajoutez-en.  Let's go.

Une chose de plus,

Qu'est-ce que ça changera ?

Well yeah, why not?

Go ahead, my back's broad.

Pile it on.  Let's go.

One more thing,

What will that change?

Peut-être qu'un autre

Coup de pied dans les dents

Serait aidant, qu'en pensez-vous ?

Moi, j'en pense beaucoup !

C'est quoi un autre p'tit coup ?

Maybe another

Kick in the teeth

Would be helpful, what do you think?

Me, I think on it a lot!

What's another little blow?

J'pense que j'suis sur le point

De finalement croire

Que si une vie antérieure existe

J'ai dû vraiment faire suer

Quelqu'un à quelque part !

Think I'm on the verge

Of finally believing that

If a past life exists

I must have really pissed off

Someone, somewhere!

- sorry for my absence, been struggling for the last while with a lot that feels like bombardment at this point, adding to it all health issues that cause much debilitating pain... got a lot on my mind, pour faire changement.  I'm all too taken by fatigue and depression to be much in contact lately.  Thank you for your kind comments on my last post - your warmth means a lot to me.  I'll try to get back to you as soon as the fog clears...

Years to repair injuries

Of another kind.

And then some day,

It's your body's turn.

But in that case,

Repairs won't be possible.

A new chapter

Of misery begins...

C'est le présage,

Qui s'installe. 

- a long-time friend of mine... he's the one who invited me on PoetBay in June 2005... we were active on another poetry website together for a couple years before then, and a few more here.  We were very close... his health sadly failed him, and he's passed away.  Trying to come to terms with it.

I recently found out
I'll never hear from
You again.  Your
Journey came to
Its end; you're gone.

Trying to wrap my
Head around this very
Sad news.  We won't
Be laughing, or chasing
The day together anymore.

The soreness this brings is
Hardly explainable with words.
A world without you - the
Thought tries to drill a
Settlement with that truth,

While my heart tries to
Not succumb to the pains
Of this blatant unfairness.
Left only wishing we could
Still spill ink and laugh...

To say that I'll be
Missing your friendship,
Our times together, and
Your beautiful poetry,
Doesn't begin to describe it.

The void is unmistakenly
Growing by the day, and
Being forced to get used to it
Rams into me, knocks my breath:
I can only miss you now.

As best as I can, I'm holding back
The tears for fear a floodgate
Will burst. I know you wouldn't
Want me to be so taken by sorrow,
But I also know you'd understand.

Having to say goodbye is
Beyond heartbreaking, to say
The least. Dearest friend,
I have always loved you,
And I always will, as you know.

It's the end of our union,
But not a day will go by
Without you in mind and heart.
All these years we've shared,
They're an indelible part of me.

Thank you for your love,
Your caring words,
Your talents you shared,
For being a friend to so many
Of us who were in need of one.

The difference you made in
My life, the connection we had,
These things are unforgettable.
I had the chance of knowing you,
And I'll forever feel grateful.

I never told you this, I don't think,
But about your tagline, that used to invite:
         Twist me into the shape of love
Well, I always found that invitation
Difficult, 'cause the shape of love was
Already in my face, in the form of you!

This is our last wink sadly...
Goodbye, old friend. I'll forever miss you.

- a follow up to my text "The Awakening" (2004), years on...

Certain experiences are difficult

To explain, or put words to,

Even if they are big; and impossible

To never think about once done.

This particular one is about the night

When my friend beat me to death.

For whatever reason, whatever trigger,

He completely lost his head; killed me.

Evidently, expert hands brought me back,

But for a while, I didn't exist anymore.

Those who know about this have all asked:

"What was it like?" and "Remember anything?"

The truth is I can't tell stories of bright lights,

Tunnels, or loved-ones greeting me, or

An overwhelming sensation of anything.

No claim of answers; it's only my experience.

It went more along the lines of a switching

To blackness, and then absolutely nothing.

Distant commotion, perhaps a bird's eye view

That might have lasted briefly, then gone.

My memory has stored snippets of frames,

But the emotional ride is as clear as day;

Its lasting effects come along for the long haul,

And I think that I'll never be the same again.

Some have said to me that I was lucky...

However, it's not something I ever came to feel.

For a long time, I was angry to have been rescued,

'Cause life was all and only reliving it over and over.

It took over twenty years for that to stop.

Today, the nightmare isn't felt the same way:

No more flashbacks to feel every blow and cut,

Or feel the terror, or my life seeping out of me...

Would I now change my view that I was lucky?

I don't think so, 'cause it doesn't make sense.

Am I now happy to have survived that night?

Although life is very complicated by it still, 

The intense torment's no longer my companion,

And life was able to move on to much better.

So, yes, in certain measures, I can today say

It's good to have escaped the final end.

Especially this one. 

He didn't win.

- wish I could be part of voting the grmbl out of there...

Dear South of the Border neighbors,

In usual times, you'll find that this

Isn't a subject which occupies my time.

However, ...

In the last few years, I must say:

What the bloody hell is going on?

And your majority feels the same.

So please, whatever it takes,

Through all the obstacles thrown

Your way this upcoming election

(And there are many!),

You must get the impostor out of there!

Not only for your country's sake,

But at this point, it's for the world's!

These damages need to come to an end...

We're all rooting for you,

And standing by your side...

Tenez bon !

- ce serait gaspiller de ne pas l'utiliser... elle est trop belle...

J'ai ta ligne en tête

Et sa vie virevolte

Sans jamais vouloir décoller

Mais j'veux tellement

rough translation...

Your line

- it would be a waste to not use it... it is too beautiful...

I have your line in mind

And its life whirls

Without ever wanting to launch off

But do I ever want

- Lilliput... the culprit... ;)  ... HD is hard drive... the desire to make a pair of slippers was ma douce moitié's that night...

Don't let that little face fool you!
This tiny thing, although all cute,
Is capable of making one's heart
Almost come to a complete stop.

With a stubborn investigative nature,
It prevents her from not exploring.
Meaning she goes places she shouldn't;
Like the other night, Madame, did so.

And where did she go?
And what did happen?
Well, settled on a very important HD,
She made it fly off and crash to the floor.

BEDING-BEDANG, BANG!
At 3 A.M. in the morning,
Are not good sounds to hear.
Seeing the cause: the heart part.

Very luckily, no damage was done.
(And she won't be made into slippers!)
We'll all still be able to carry on posting,
But for a minute, that little face up there

Nearly made it the sorriest end!