F.i.in.e Moods

You can convince yourself

It'll be something you'll ever

Get the hang of, even though

Deep down inside, you know

Too damn well you were

Never meant for any of it...

ils deviennent si bouche-bées

peut-être même bouleversés

qu'à présent ils se cachent de tout

soudainement et sans explications

comme si je ne m'en rendrais

pas compte, comme si cela

ne m'affecterait pas, comme si...

- the likelihood that this situation made this person feel bad really made me feel bad...

Of course, losing the passcode

Was bound to happen, and it did.

So many passes to remember!

Everything needs one nowadays!

So, had to contact the locker

Company to obtain a master pass.

Phone calls, emails, print PDF,

Fill it in, sign, scan, and send back.

After 45 minutes of this process,

Finally get the master to unlock

My locker where my wallet was,

And go off for my lunch break.

But, during one of the calls,

My social grace came shining!

I was seeking to speak to the

Woman who'd sent me the emails.

The person who answered

Didn't name themselves,

And asked who I'm contacting,

To which I embarrassingly replied:

"Well, I'd like to speak to Julie, and

You definitely don't sound like a Julie."

They really didn't, but they said:

"Yes, this is she."

Oh no, that was so awful...

Sincerely hope I didn't hurt her.

- never been in their heart, obviously... 

It was so easy for you

To abandon me for

Such spurious reasons

Which you know have

Nothing to do with

The truth of who I am

That you couldn't

Face the truth of you

Isn't my fault at all

That your shame

Choked you clean

Wasn't my doing

Yet you abandoned me,

The girl you called daughter

Another one who couldn't

Love me more than their

"Demons", another one who's

Never had me in their heart

That's you

Whenever you're at your neediest,

No one will ever be around then.

- being around and on those streets after more than 20 years... being around people a lot and hearing their stories about their lives, families, memories... at work, being assigned a doctor who used to be mine many years ago... a few examples making a lot of things pop in...

For the last six weeks,

There have been so many

Things pop up as reminders

Of a life of a distant past,

As if to drill in the contrast

Of what it used to be

And where it is at now.

There are the more immediate

Differences too that pop in,

And all of it is going around

My mind in a mini whirlpool,

Drawing up a lot of emotions

That I wasn't expecting at all.

I'm ok, but it's a lot to process.

I really need to stop writing about you...

Every year since, it's always back in

Some way, and although it's 26 years now,

My finding myself back in our old haunts

Makes it all the more difficult this year.

I've moved on so far that being there

Really hits me like a ton of bricks.

Every corner I look at, I see us there,

And I remember our long talks,

Our lives and what it was all about then.

Man, I wish you were still here...

- joining in usually causes discomfort, loss for words, shock, or pity... none of which I care to bring on... 

Mingling with people

Puts me in a bad spot.

They talk of their lives,

Families, memories.

And I really can't reply

With very much of mine.

My life, family, memories are

Mainly uncomfortable to hear.

So I always need to gauge

Very carefully what I say.

I can't spontaneously share what

Comes to mind on what they say.

So I listen and I smile with them,

But I'll never be able to join in.

I know what happens when I do,

And I don't care to deal with that.

They get to feel discomfort,

But imagine mine at theirs.

It's just my life, family, and

Memories; my experiences.

If I can't talk about what I've lived,

What am I meant to do, make it up?

Fat chance that I'd ever be able to

Do that.  Instead, I just keep quiet.

« Elle a trouvé toutes les façons pour se cacher

Maintenant dans une foule elle est toujours dissimulée

Mais elle n'a jamais cherché d'façons pour oublier

Elle r'garde le monde autour desfois pour se rappeler  » - 

 excerpt of "Délinquance" by Vilain Pingouin

- it's been so long ago since I've passed by or set foot on those streets... my new place of employment is right in the heart of it... those words by VP are ever more true now...

It's a bit of the song

That describes it perfectly.

And being in the place again

Brings me back to those days.

It's been so long

Since the last time

I set foot here...

But it's all still there.

And I manage to

Feel a certain sense

Of nostalgia I can't

Explain too well.

Parts of me sorely miss it,

But that makes no sense...

Still, there's something

About it that's been a loss.                              (when I left)

A certain freedom, perhaps?

Amidst all of the detrimental.

Something about it was still a lot

Simpler than being "in the margins".

It probably comes off as

The ramblings of a fool,

But being back here, surprisingly

Manages to stir a lot inside...

Good and bad all at once,

Yet from a detachment of sorts,

Yet still very much connected,

Even though it's all been long over.

Where I started from

And where I am now...

Being here again

Pulls a sharp contrast.

- huh? 

Two girls talking one afternoon, snippet :

The first girl was explaining, "Well, I'll be honest with you. 

I don't find my very short hair all that particularly pretty,

but after having had my hair down passed the middle of

my back pretty much all of my life, I came to a point that

I just couldn't do it anymore.  The whole hour of care,

washing and drying that length of hair.  Now I'm all for

practicality, and I really don't want the fuss anymore,

no matter what it looks like."

The other girl responded the strangest thing, saying,

"You're petite and skinny, it suits you really well, actually."

The first girl's been thinking about it ever since. 

She couldn't for the life of her understand what

one thing had to do with the other. 

The link is still not coming to her.