F.i.in.e Moods

- « la chichane » is an argument, a fight... 

sincèrement désolée,

j'ai perdu mon calme

et je n'ai pas bien réagis.

sincerely sorry,

I lost my cool

and didn't react very well. 

les mots m'échappaient,

les nerfs s'énervaient,

j'ai été emporté d'impatience.

words were escaping me,

nerves were being irritated,

I was taken by impatience.

c'est juste que tu n'avais pas

bien choisis ton moment

pour passer tes critiques.

it's only that you hadn't

well chosen your moment

to pass your criticisms. 

j'avais besoin d'empathie,

pas des reproches à propos

de mes façons de faire,

I needed empathy,

not reproaches about

my ways of doing things, 

comme si ce qui se passait

avait été causé par quelque

chose que j'avais fait.

as if what was going on

had been caused by

anything I'd done.

c'était très mal placé,

et c'était plutôt vexant,

surtout de me faire prodiguer

it was very inappropriate,

and rather vexing,

especially to be given

des leçons à un tel moment,

comme si j'étais une enfant

insouciante en besoin d'un papa.

lessons at such a time,

as if I were an unaware

child in need of a dad.

il n'y a pas beaucoup qui réussit

à m'insulter dans cette vie,

mais hier, c'était la cerise su'l'sundae.

there isn't much that manages

to insult me in this life,

but yesterday, that was the cherry on the sundae.

- on the other side of "kids say the darndest things"... parents have their moments too...

The small boy was sitting at the kitchen table

Having supper with his mom and older brother.

He was making a racket of mouth noises while

Chewing his food, so his mother put him on notice

About how it was unpleasant for everyone around.

He stopped, of course, but in the same breath asked:

"Ok, but your boyfriend does it all of the time,

And you never say anything to him about it?"

His mom calmly agreed with him and replied:

"True, but it's only 'cause he's a grown man

And I'm not his mother - I'm yours."

The two boys looked at one another

And carried on eating in their usual way

Without all of the noise that was making their

Mom's ears curl - case closed, in parent's view.

Not coming too easily

How the very best part

Would disappear suddenly

Without a reason to start

It's always been about loving

Through each step to be there

Never in all wild imaginings

Could it be expected fair

This cut off remains unexplained

And not a single word is said

It's enough to torment a heart in pain

Never knowing why our love fled

- childhood memory when I was 4... mother is American, but everything is French in Québec and politically tense about language (more so in those days), so I only knew French until the age of 12... 

I remember as a small child

The day I first heard English

Spoken between two kids

How shocked I was about this

'Cause I thought the only one

Who spoke funny like that

Was mom when she was upset!

The feeling comes in strongly,

It would appear you're fed up

With me for some reason.

Well, if that's the actual case,

Console yourself with the truth

No way are you as fed up with me

As I am with myself...

- perspective :  consequences of severe prolonged isolation... 

What appears in these writings

Is all of the unspoken thoughts

My quietness won't let me get out.

So, contrary to what may seem to be,

This apparent self-absorption doesn't

Describe my usual nature, way of being.

Whether about myself or other topics,

Talking is something I rarely do, plus

The opportunities are more than scarce.

And now, the problem is that I spend way

Too much time alone with my head,

Day in, day out, on my own in my room

With little to no exterior stimuli to

Spark my attentions elsewhere, so

The thoughts just turn on themselves.

The days meld into the nights, on a loop,

And everything is simply stalled as well,

The need to find outside input's screaming.

Resolving these isolation issues of mine

Is something that's been worked on for years,

Traumas have improved, but not enough yet.

So, this is the only space I have,

And right now, the only people

Around are you who come to read.

You help me get a sense that I exist.

Somewhere.

Somehow.

- not part of any political anything personally, but as an observer, the 'conservative' parties' mentalities have always been difficult for me... however, what's been going on in the US for the last few years, all of it is stepping into the Twilight Zone bizarre and is alarmingly concerning...

It's disturbing

How little sense

Is parading

As being the truth.

It's distressing

The level of animosity

That comes out when

Lies turn to beliefs.

It's depressing

Being forced to make

Sense of the senseless,

And it being laid in law.

It's revolting

How a fractional minority

Can affect such a wide

Majority for the worse.

There's a certain measure

Of frustration that's building

And it feels so immature

In some ways, looks for sure

It's just a life spent battling

The mental anguishes of abuse

And as this suffocating fog was

Clearing finally, it's the body's turn

The one struggle glided right 

Into another formidable barrier

And the only direction it can head

Is complete dependence, a live death

It feels like life is a sincere cheat

Always interfering with efforts of hope

And so, yes, my frustration is building

In a manner it's never been felt before

- a bit of self-pity in a silly ditty, I suppose... sorry about that.. my body is in constant pain due to my connective tissues seemingly being on a degenerative course last couple years... can't say that I'm doing well with my new limited mobility... and treatment, well, the meds didn't help, so recently stopped them... no other alternatives were offered by the doctor, so no pain relief as of yet... as for physio, it surprisingly fixed the subscapularis tendinopathy in my right shoulder... I can move my arm again without the terrible pain it'd been for months... but the ligament sprain in my left knee, the synovitis in my left hip, and all the other constant inflammatory flare-ups in the rest of my joints are not showing much improvement... it's really getting me down to have so much trouble taking a simple walk...

Oh, pain, pain

Do like the rain

Come another day

Please just go away

Oh, pain, pain

You're such a drain

Can I not sway

You to go astray

Oh, pain, pain

You're my restraint

Extinguishing the day

Mood's not too far away

it's the spaces in between

that make him the most serene

no abrasions

no invasions

a misunderstood simplicity

others don't realize they envy