F.i.in.e Moods

That smile

I'll do anything

To make it

Surface

That smile

It grabs my heart

Makes my face

Follow suit

That smile

It's the best treat

Always takes me

Away beyond here

More than words can express

À cause de toi,

J'ai eu l'occasion

De voir un autre

Jour plus d'une fois.

Because of you,

I've had the chance

To see another

Day more than once.

Tu ne sais pas

À quel point ta

Présence a souvent

Fait une différence.

You don't know

How much your

Presence has often

Made a difference.

Svp, ne doute

Jamais de ton

Importance.

Merci, mon ami.

Please, never

Doubt your

Importance.

Thank you, my friend.

I can't follow anymore,

But oh well, I guess.

I did the best I could.

I'll just go now.

character's perspective :  after eleven years of being free from all abused substances, a serious relapse happened, followed by a successful recovery started in November six years ago... the situation was a moment in time filled with enormous shame 'cause it wasn't as if the dire consequences were unknown...  and it happened anyway ... their thoughts on how it all unfurled... 

(- inspired by friends who are celebrating years of sobriety this month...)

The crazy logic of the moment

Was if I drank enough to poison
Myself, it'd be a way to kill
Myself without doing the act -
It's how far gone I was at the time.

So for long months, bottles of vodka
On a daily basis was my activity.
My desire to knock myself out,
To not feel, to not be aware

Became a rapidly derailing obsession

Which I indulged without hesitation.
It started with only a few sips a day,

Then a small bottle, but shortly after,

There were bigger bottles in my hand.
By the end, I was downing a litre plus

All to myself in a 12-hour period of time.
Very soon, it too wasn't a strong enough
Sensation - so much more was needed -
So my attention turned to chemicals
To provoke effacement to its last heights.

Ever so gone, a mixture of way too much,

It's to this day a surprise my warped idea

Didn't succeed in its ultimate goal.
Luckily, by the grace of God, I was able to
Come to my senses before it was too late:

I had to get myself clean again,
And this time, I'd never forget why.

- a little ramble in rhyme to pass the time and keep my head occupied... preceded by a load of unrelated blabla; sorry...

I'm on a serious loop of boredom lately... there's really nothing going on except the same every day:

I do my usual morning little routine where I sweep the floor area around the litter box; do the litter box and empty the wastebaskets; go to the bathroom; then wash teeth, hands, face, brush hair, or cover it all in a shower; start the kettle; feed the cats; do my first set of physio exercises of the day; take meds and supplement; do the dishes; and then sit on my bed with my drink and check all I need to check online (DB's, logs, emails)...

I do this routine to force myself to keep engaged and to move even though moving is quite problematic with the pains in my loose joints which haven't been doing too well in the last 2 years... it's worsened in the last year.  But that's it... day in, day out.  Some days I add appointments to get to or errands, which are also problematic 'cause then I have to add recovery time from the walking.  I hate to say it, but I'm completely emotionally and physically exhausted...

Every day consists of me spending it wholly alone here in my room finding ways to distract my time...  'cause, well, I can't do much that involves moving around, so I'm bound home... and I'm already so isolated...  there really isn't anyone around... it's one of the consequences of nearly 30 years of my issues with social phobias, agoraphobia, et al., I think... people tend to drift away after a while of no-contact... And now that my kids have gone to start off their independent lives last year, my space definitely feels heavily empty... And my douce moitié finally a legal resident in my country and able to work, he's out of the house a good portion of the day now to be at work... so there's a load more alone time for me lately... 

but I'm feeling like I have nothing interesting to talk about... case in point, I've just told you all that boring stuff up there, and I'm following it with a rhyming ditty about my recent acquisition of a new phone... the excitement is really too much ;) ... 

Of course I love technology.

However, its applications

Get on my nerves seriously...

There're the thoughtless implementations

Which create conflicts around practicality,

Or gimmicks to tie you in for infinity...

That part causes me serious misery,

So I avoid at all costs its implications

To ensure I retain as much of my sanity...

But of course the unfortunate day arrived finally

My Android 6's battery lost all negotiations;

Had to concede, time for the figurative cemetery...

My phone would work plugged in only

Which defeats the purpose of mobilisation

These neat little devices are designed to be...

So I had to embark on the reality

Of having to search for new options.

A few days of looking, along with anxiety...

It's the endless types of phones, deals, really;

Seems they'll think of every iteration

To make it as inconvenient as can be...

But Eureka! I found something for me

Which is the best suitable solution.

Here I find myself joining the iPhone family...

I'm still blown away at how so very pricey (!)

These gadgets are; hard to find justifications.

Mais voilà, I've finally entered this century...

Apparently.

To be honest, I don't know anymore.

My reasons to carry on keep diminishing

From view, and I try to hold on to them,

But the only thing that gives me feelings

Of a hopeful nature is that there'll be an end.

The only one capable of growing, it seems.

The rest, there's just nothing left for me.

It all feels irrational like beating a dead horse.

It all feels like a monumental waste of time

Trying to reconnect to any sort of dreams.

Add to it a body in decline way too early, making

Every simple thing additional mountains to climb.

The main theme of this is utter exhaustion

It takes too immense amounts of energy

To constantly try hard and fail hard at each turn.

There does come a point when enough's enough.

So, I can't wait to die

Is the cold of it.

I won't make it happen,

That's for sure, I can't.

But I eagerly wait for it.

à vrai dire, 

c'est que je

ne m'en peux

juste plus

j'ai plus

qu'essayé

le souffle

me manque

la game

est bel

et bien

finie

reste juste

à composer

la conclusion

à présent

- certaines techniques sont réellement trop nounounes... j'arrive mal à voir comment on peut penser qu'elles sont bonnes, mais voilà, elles sont utilisées tout le temps quand même en relations d'aide... ça me dépasse à chaque fois... c'est peut-être parce que je suis en train de vieillir, je commence à développer un sérieux manque d'endurance et de patience envers ces techniques... 

J'ai l'impression de parler

À quelqu'un qui pratique des

Techniques d'écoute active

Et de renforcement positif,

Ou encore, quelqu'un

Qui joue à un rôle qu'il pense

Avoir dans ma vie, tout d'un coup.

J'suis une personne ; pas un scénario !

Les réponses que vous me donnez

Pendant nos discussions sont

Des platitudes et des stupidités

Qui ne cessent jamais de m'épater.

C'est là qu'on voit la claire différence

Entre la théorie et la pratique ;

Où elle est peut-être belle sur papier,

Mais complètement nulle en réalité.

Ces techniques ne fonctionnent pas.

Elles ont plus l'effet de la condescension

Et c'est irritant de se faire traiter en épais.

Mon problème n'est pas intellectuel...

Me parler comme vous le faites laisse croire

Que vous devez penser je suis une idiote.

En tout cas, c'est l'impression que vous créez

Avec ce que vous me répondez qui est si nono.

Par exemple, que c'est digne d'éloges et de fierté

De vouloir régler sa situation de pauvreté...

WTF, j'suis supposée de faire quoi avec ça ?

Cette assertion est réellement trop niaiseuse.

Il n'y a tout simplement pas de mots...

- living with social phobias/agoraphobia... 

The hope is that you know

My long absences are never

A reflection of my emotions

For you; I'm always loving you.

My inability to always manage

How anxiety, fear march straight in

Like ruthless generals on a mission

Is all it's always about; nothing else.

It's a bit like a hostage situation

With a lot of intense negotiating

That always takes a little while to sort.

It all holds me back from everything.

So I'm hoping that you know I love you.

There's no telling what I'd do without you.

She died a long time ago now

It's just they haven't noticed it yet