F.i.in.e Moods

- conclusion d'une discussion avec un ami... dernière pensée sur le sujet...

J'me dis que la meilleure façon

de se débarrasser d'un troll

c'est de lui créer une famine

en ce qui concerne son plus

grand désir, celui de s'octroyer

de toute l'attention dans la pièce.

Cela lui coupe le souffle en un

rien de temps, c'est immanquable.

- repost... 

awakening’s a bitter, dissolving deception

coursing like a rush, a punch-like violation
death, out-tricked, boils with vindictive fury
to this day still casting on me the penalty

my eyes opened to be attacked by the room’s light
was a bustle all around me, this musn’t be right
confusion before realization could set me straight
policemen nearly rushing, couldn’t anymore wait

gaps inhabit the spaces of my guarded memory
but every single image remains so accurately
tears, heavy disappointment flowed, i survived
convinced pain’s doom will stay around to thrive

years indicate how so far it’s true…
the calmness of the « sleep » through -
a cruel hanging for a shattered life suffocating
wishes form in me to be back to safety, dreaming

now the dreams that surface in sleep kill me
slowly they’re leading me down to insanity
couldn’t be graced with an amnesic mind
terror and blood is all it can today find

unable to move, was feeling my soul slipping
through the painful cuts my life was seeping
then total darkness decided to release
a mind from consciousness, to appease

battered senseless and left behind to die…
appreciation for the miracle would be a lie
'cause never forgotten will the day of the awakening be
heaven reached then snatched, grandest of all misery

peace was denied.

- some personalities, you know...

You and your friends

It'll never be bound

To ever gel with me

It'll just never work

Too self-absorbed

Too attention-seeking

Everything about you

Is just all too much

Either you're unaware

Or you simply don't care

I don't know which it is

But it's sure not great

Consumed by hubris, ideas

Of grandeur, you're insulting

Brash, obnoxious, clueless

It's sure passed incredible

So, you and your friends

It'll never be bound

To ever gel with me

It's just way too sure

- sorry, long, and more of my medical journey... a lot to process... had first appointment with physiatrist today which was 3hrs... diagnostic process' finally begun... 

It actually went brilliantly well today

Well, aside the road works everywhere

Which blew out many stops before

The bus stop I needed to get to

To catch the second bus on my way

So had to walk down Belvédère avenue

Which is a pretty long stretch of a street

Did not expect this drastic bus route change

But made my snail-paced way to the bus

Which was pretty excruciatingly painful

At the centre itself, I had a very long way

To go through what seemed like endless

Vast corridors to get to my appointment

Because I was limping on arrival, I was

Offered a wheelchair.  Had I known...

And then on the way back, come to find out

They moved another bus stop on the route

And the bus passed in front of our faces

So more walking to catch another bus

And that one was diverted along the way too!

Final stop left me sitting by the side of the road

For a while, unable to walk, while my douce moitié

Went home some fifteen-minute walk away to get

His bike.  Then he picked me up, and he rode us home

Must say, this part was most exhausting all in all

So yeah, all of this walking made my legs suffer

Especially after all of these physical exams I had

Where all of my limbs were moved in all directions

Pulled, pushed, tapped for quite a while

So I was in even more pain after the appointment

However, the first appointment with this specialist

Went in a manner I did not expect at all

She and her resident were compassionate, personable

Kind people, every single one I saw today

And we're already on the start of a treatment plan

They listened, took notes, examined, discussed

All of it felt like they actually gave a damn to help

I felt no awkwardness at all, I felt respected

Not once did I feel like my credibility was in doubt

They readily accepted that my pain is very real

I left from there with the feeling that she's serious

About wanting to figure out what all of this is about

She agrees that the suspected diagnosis is a possibility

I have very many of the symptoms that fit the syndrome

But that'll only be found out by the geneticist's tests

In the meantime though, she's taking me on

I have more X-rays and a sonogram to start off with

Also, because of my hypersensitivity to all medications

She's prescribed me a series of vitamins and supplements

But medication too, if after two months those don't offer much

If the medication is started, it's already prescribed

At an initial minimal dose to slowly increase every two weeks

I'm also referred to physiotherapy to establish a routine

Of specific exercises which will reinforce my muscles

All while more importantly not injure myself in the process

There's also a procedure she called "infiltration" that's on the table

As a possible treatment plan, but she's giving me time to think on it

It's putting injections right into my joints which supposedly helps

To relieve the pain 'cause the anti-inflammation drug is directly

Introduced into the source of where it's coming from.  Not sure yet

I also met with another woman at the end of my appointment

Who presented me a few models of ortheses and compressive gear

Tried two models for the ankles, and I found it a little overwhelming

The straps, the velcros, the criss-crossing... the contraption

She understood, said there's no rush to make any decision now

(At my departure, this woman even pushed me in a wheelchair

All the way away from the centre and across the street to my bus stop!

It's quite a distance, but she was very happy to assist me.  Blew me away.)

So it's a lot, and I'm still processing it all

But it was absolutely fantastic nonetheless

I don't know if we'll be able to make this better

Still, I feel like there may be a possibility

And that's certainly not what I expected to feel today