F.i.in.e Moods

tu m'avais demandé quelle était

ma plus grande frustration de mon

vécu et je t'avais répondu que c'était

le sentiment d'avoir été

détruite par mes expériences.

tu m'avais alors demandé pourquoi

je me sentirais de cette façon

et je t'avais répondu que j'étais frustrée

de ne pas être plus loin dans mon

progrès à me rebâtir de ces choses-là,

que ce fait était la preuve qu'ils ont gagné,

et je suis trop faible pour m'en remettre ;

c'est extrêmement frustrant...

bien sûr, tu n'étais pas d'accord, mais

je sais que t'avais compris mes paroles.

rough translation...

you'd asked me what was

my greatest frustration from

all I've been through and I'd answered you that it was

the feeling of having been

destroyed by my experiences.

you'd then asked me why

I'd ever feel that way

and I'd answered you that I was frustrated

about not being further ahead in my

progress at rebuilding myself from these things,

that this fact was the proof they won,

and I'm too weak to recover;

it's extremely frustrating...

of course, you didn't agree, but

I know you'd understood what I was saying.

- CBT... trying to resolve anxiety/phobia issues...

Not sure it's a good idea,

But I'm provoking anxiety

In order to face and tackle it,

As-and-when it happens.

Confronting situations

I'm unable to deal with,

Challenging myself

To do what I fear most,

All for the purpose of

Learning to manage it.

I'm told it's with practice

That I'll find my way.

Sincerely hope that's true,

'Cause at the very moment,

It's feeling like a drawn out,

Slow torture that won't end.

- RAMQ is our 'free' health system here and it stands for Régie de l'assurance maladie du Québec...

I hate to concede with my friend

On this point, but he's absolutely

Right:  universal health care

Is not so great - at least, it hasn't

Been in the last near decade now.

We're short of doctors 'cause they're

All arriving at the age of retirement,

And there aren't enough around

Now to fill their vacant positions,

So waiting times are out of

Control, services have simply

Become mostly inadequate, and

It's so difficult to have your health

Seen to when it actually needs it.

Pain can't wait, for example.

Took over a year to see my first

Specialist, still waiting a year

And a half on for a genetics test,

And I've been referred to a team

Whose waiting list is two-three years.

The Chronic Pain team, that is!

I can say that it's very discouraging,

'Cause while I wait, I'm on my own

To deal with why I'm being referred

There, and it's not clear what I'm

Meant to be doing in the meantime.

I've been on the waiting list for

A family doctor since Sept 2019,

And it's not looking either like that's

Going to be resolved any time soon.

I don't know where to throw myself

There's an emptiness that follows me

And I can't seem to shake it off

And I feel myself sinking to depths

Which would really be best to avoid

I don't know why I keep pushing on

To figure some way to live this life

And for as much as I try to find joy

And for as much as it's all useless

I'm still here even though I shouldn't be

I carry on with no clear reasons

As to what's important about it

And I restrain myself from listening

And I try to conserve a sort of care

Through so much constant noise

I, this morning, recover the devastation

Of having survived death's realms then

And I try to reason with myself

And I try so hard to feel different

But I only manage to fail spectacularly

- recently took up my guitar again, an old acoustic Vantage... luckily, I'm ambidextrous, so the left-handed way isn't a huge challenge, except for one chord positioning so far (picture above) ... singing and playing songs myself are my goals... it's way overdue... 

Two reasons why I choose

To play my right-handed guitar

The left-handed way, with

The strings 'upside down' :

1 - my left wrist has a sizable cyst between my ligaments making my hand too

     weak and too painful to apply the pressure to make the chords

2 - I don't like the idea of being limited to an adapted guitar to be able to play it

Right now, doing the G

Chord is a little challenging

Awkward to switch and press

All three fingers at once

It's a strange positioning

Not all too natural getting

The index across in one go

I can, but not always yet

It's getting there, though

Muscle memory is definitely

Happening as I switch most

Chords relatively well so far

It's just that G

I found two ways to do it

But one is completely 'no'

The other, a little awkard

But much more doable

I'll keep at it, make it work

There's really nothing else

Better than to play music!

- « langue populaire » québécoise... Google Translate ne sera pas utile pour la traduire...

Osti qu'vous êtes plates.

Plus plates qu'ça, tu meurs !

Le lien n'est pas plus difficile

qu'ça: c'est vous l'problème.

Et bien franchement, j'en ai

plein l'cul d'vous endurer.

Vous êtes soit pas trop gentils

ou souvent crissement weird,

et vous n'avez aucune appréciation

pour autre chose qu'vous-mêmes.

Comme j'disais, vous êtes plates,

vous m'donnez l'envie d'sacrer

mon camp et n'p'us jamais revenir ;

à ce point-là qu'j'suis p'us capable.

C'est pas compliqué, vous m'faites

suer tellement vous êtes déplaisants.

Le plus drôle là-dedans est qu'vous

trouvez une façon d'chiâler comme si

l'résultat n'avait rien à voir avec vous.

B'en voyons donc, réveillez-vous, osti.

J'ai plus qu'faite ma part, même trop.

On peut pas en dire autant pour vous.

Facque, allez-y, boudez-moi d'vous étaler

la vérité en pleine face, j'm'en câlisse.

I suppose it's some sort of improvement.

Periods of total immobilisation haven't

Happened in quite a long time now.

But moving causes constant pain in one

Way or another, and the more I move,

The more the pain levels will increase.

I rarely stop myself from moving just

Because I'm feeling pain in my body,

But if I push it too far, I'll have to stop,

Whether I like it or not, 'cause incapacity

Becomes complete and out of my hands.

And that's a huge source of stress lately.

How far can I push it before immobilisation?

I need to keep moving or else it'll make

Things worse, I'm told, but still, it's not great.

Who doesn't want to avoid pain?

Kind of hard to reason with myself that

It's for my own good in the long run.

Good doesn't usually feel so sore.

- self-esteem getting fragilized... 

Oh, but they hurt me so bad, ma.

And all I do is care about them.

Oh, but I'm an idiot, aren't I, ma?

They use me without appreciation,

Aren't fussed about respect either.

Oh, but I've only ever been kind, ma.

I'll always be a nobody in their eyes.