F.i.in.e Moods

When even your friends don't know what to say

Because the discomfort seizes them at the throat

And they're afraid they'll say something inadequate

It's time for you to keep it to yourself and step away

The last time I lay dying,

I was sure I wouldn't be

Found in time and all this

Would finally be over...

I'd be released at last,

So would you, and

The sought after calm

Would settle in our midst.

Alas, this would not

Come to be, and here

We are, back to the

Mayhem and worry.

I'm so exhausted,

Hanging by a thread.

I keep coming back

To that last time

Knowing this is how

It will end, eventually.

My desire is unshakable,

And my resolve too weak.

There will be a next time,

And when it does come, I'll

Make sure it's the very last,

'Cause this needs to end

For you,

For me...

This can't keep on,

It's too many years.

Please forgive me,

I will destroy myself

Until there's nothing left,

And I just can't stop it.

In fact, I don't want to

Stop it, I only seek it.

This life isn't for me,

And you know it isn't.

I tried,

I hung on,

I failed...

It's enough.

- with rough translation... 

ce n'est pas ton devoir

de t'assurer que je vais bien

et que la vie continue...

it's not your duty

to make sure that I'm well

and that life continues...

faut laisser aller cette pensée,

libère-toi de cette inquiétude,

et fais-moi confiance...

have to let go of that thought,

free yourself from this worry,

and trust me...

je vais faire mon tout

possible pour y arriver...

c'est vrai que j'en arrache,

I will do my utmost

possible to achieve this...

it's true that I struggle,

mais c'est à moi de m'en

occuper, et c'est ce que je fais,

alors tu peux laisser aller...

but it's up to me to take

care of this, and that's what I'm doing,

so you can let go... 

The treatment brings

A reduction in the pain,

But it doesn't cut it out

Completely, so I'm still

In constant physical pain.

It's hard to come to terms

With that this is a permanent

Situation and that I just need

To get on with it the best I can.

I don't think that I can.

Exhaustion is overwhelming.

- some people can be puzzling at times... 

What do you mean I'm not French?

Of course I am, Québec Canada

Is French, everyone speaks French

Here, it's even the law, so I don't

Know where you're coming off that

I'm not French.  Can you please

Explain your statement?  I'm curious

To find out about what leads you to

Such a bizarre conclusion.  I'm French

Whether you believe it or not, it's my

Mother tongue, it's my environment.

It's the first language I learned to

Speak and write, English came later.

So what do you mean I'm not French?

What makes you say that exactly?

This is definitely a first for me.

I've pretty much written

About it all through the

Last twenty years, some

On repeat for a long while,

'Cause it was harder to get

Through than other things.

And now, I don't often

Have the need to talk

About it anymore, they're

Just events that happened

A long time ago, things

Have finally moved on.

The bigger extreme of

Things has considerably

Improved, no longer

Terrified or paralyzed

By fear, I'm functioning.

Still, there's the flashbacks,

Those persist to this day.

Not sure if there's a way to

Stop them, but so far, it's

Not been happening for me.

I know, all of it will always

Be a part of me, it's shaped

Who I am today, so I don't

Think I'll ever be completely

Free from it, but it's ok now;

I'm still standing, carrying on.

It's proven to be challenging,

But I've made it this far...

l'amour et la joie

les plus beaux moments

de cette vie pour tous

même au travers de

toutes sortes de douleurs

une énergie réparatrice

je n'ai pas souvent vécu

mais quand j'ai eu la chance

c'était des moments mémorables

je les porte dans mon coeur

ils m'aident à passer au travers

durant les temps moins évidents

You're right, I always

Have that option, so

I should leave it at the

Back and concentrate

On other things for now.

So that's what I'm doing.

Still not clear on how my

Feelings are doing with it,

It's best that I don't spend

Time on that, for now.

I concentrate on breaking

Down my current moments, 

Live them in steps and focus

On the here and now and how

My experience feels like then.

Yesterday, I felt joy, I did.

I derive so much enjoyment

In driving my car around,

Down my favorite roads, Chemin

St-Louis and Boul Champlain.

And I felt satisfied with myself

About the work that I do,

How I'm able to help my clients,

And how I've shifted my goals to

Focus on advancing in my position.

I'm paying more attention

To how the moment is lived,

Concentrating on that for now,

Keeping the option at the back

As maybe now may not be the time.

Your words are constantly with me,

So I go back to them to get me through.

I know that you're right, and even

Though I find none of this easy,

I'm going with it 'cause I trust you.

c'est à se demander

il manque des bouts

on a pas tout entendu

de cette histoire

il y a des trous qui ne

se remplissent pas

faudrait ton aide

pour élucider l'affaire

nos interprétations sont

sûrement hors de la track

- this girl is funny... sometimes gets a little tetchy... but considering where she's come from (found in a colony of about 40 cats at 1 year old, pregnant, all beat up and skinny to bones), it's understandable... despite that, she's a sweet little thing... she's small at about 6lbs...

This one is particular,

On the nervous side,

But she's much better

Now than when we

Picked her up from

The shelter, she was

In a right state, poor

Thing, and terrified.

She comes to us now,

Demands her pets,

And likes to lounge on

Our lap for extended

Periods of time, purring.

She squeaks once in a

While to talk to us,

And has her moods.

Contrary to Douglas who is

An absolute porker, she's

More of a snacker when

It comes to food, and eats

Very little at a time.  As

You can imagine, there's

No way we can keep a filled

Bowl for her, 'cause Douglas...

But since we're home every

Day, she has access to her

Snacks when she wants one,

We can give them to her.

She sits and stares at the

Pantry when she's peckish,

Doesn't hassle, just waits

For us to notice she's there.

And we do,

She's too cute.