F.i.in.e Moods

- discomfort at times 'cause what can you say...

You have strong and deep feelings

For this particular facet of life

And you never hold back from

Sharing them with everyone

I have strong and deep feelings

About that same particular facet

But I always hold back from saying

'Cause I don't want to upset you

- conclusion d'une discussion avec un ami... dernière pensée sur le sujet...

J'me dis que la meilleure façon

de se débarrasser d'un troll

c'est de lui créer une famine

en ce qui concerne son plus

grand désir, celui de s'octroyer

de toute l'attention dans la pièce.

Cela lui coupe le souffle en un

rien de temps, c'est immanquable.

- repost... 

awakening’s a bitter, dissolving deception

coursing like a rush, a punch-like violation
death, out-tricked, boils with vindictive fury
to this day still casting on me the penalty

my eyes opened to be attacked by the room’s light
was a bustle all around me, this musn’t be right
confusion before realization could set me straight
policemen nearly rushing, couldn’t anymore wait

gaps inhabit the spaces of my guarded memory
but every single image remains so accurately
tears, heavy disappointment flowed, i survived
convinced pain’s doom will stay around to thrive

years indicate how so far it’s true…
the calmness of the « sleep » through -
a cruel hanging for a shattered life suffocating
wishes form in me to be back to safety, dreaming

now the dreams that surface in sleep kill me
slowly they’re leading me down to insanity
couldn’t be graced with an amnesic mind
terror and blood is all it can today find

unable to move, was feeling my soul slipping
through the painful cuts my life was seeping
then total darkness decided to release
a mind from consciousness, to appease

battered senseless and left behind to die…
appreciation for the miracle would be a lie
'cause never forgotten will the day of the awakening be
heaven reached then snatched, grandest of all misery

peace was denied.

- some personalities, you know...

You and your friends

It'll never be bound

To ever gel with me

It'll just never work

Too self-absorbed

Too attention-seeking

Everything about you

Is just all too much

Either you're unaware

Or you simply don't care

I don't know which it is

But it's sure not great

Consumed by hubris, ideas

Of grandeur, you're insulting

Brash, obnoxious, clueless

It's sure passed incredible

So, you and your friends

It'll never be bound

To ever gel with me

It's just way too sure

- sorry, long, and more of my medical journey... a lot to process... had first appointment with physiatrist today which was 3hrs... diagnostic process' finally begun... 

It actually went brilliantly well today

Well, aside the road works everywhere

Which blew out many stops before

The bus stop I needed to get to

To catch the second bus on my way

So had to walk down Belvédère avenue

Which is a pretty long stretch of a street

Did not expect this drastic bus route change

But made my snail-paced way to the bus

Which was pretty excruciatingly painful

At the centre itself, I had a very long way

To go through what seemed like endless

Vast corridors to get to my appointment

Because I was limping on arrival, I was

Offered a wheelchair.  Had I known...

And then on the way back, come to find out

They moved another bus stop on the route

And the bus passed in front of our faces

So more walking to catch another bus

And that one was diverted along the way too!

Final stop left me sitting by the side of the road

For a while, unable to walk, while my douce moitié

Went home some fifteen-minute walk away to get

His bike.  Then he picked me up, and he rode us home

Must say, this part was most exhausting all in all

So yeah, all of this walking made my legs suffer

Especially after all of these physical exams I had

Where all of my limbs were moved in all directions

Pulled, pushed, tapped for quite a while

So I was in even more pain after the appointment

However, the first appointment with this specialist

Went in a manner I did not expect at all

She and her resident were compassionate, personable

Kind people, every single one I saw today

And we're already on the start of a treatment plan

They listened, took notes, examined, discussed

All of it felt like they actually gave a damn to help

I felt no awkwardness at all, I felt respected

Not once did I feel like my credibility was in doubt

They readily accepted that my pain is very real

I left from there with the feeling that she's serious

About wanting to figure out what all of this is about

She agrees that the suspected diagnosis is a possibility

I have very many of the symptoms that fit the syndrome

But that'll only be found out by the geneticist's tests

In the meantime though, she's taking me on

I have more X-rays and a sonogram to start off with

Also, because of my hypersensitivity to all medications

She's prescribed me a series of vitamins and supplements

But medication too, if after two months those don't offer much

If the medication is started, it's already prescribed

At an initial minimal dose to slowly increase every two weeks

I'm also referred to physiotherapy to establish a routine

Of specific exercises which will reinforce my muscles

All while more importantly not injure myself in the process

There's also a procedure she called "infiltration" that's on the table

As a possible treatment plan, but she's giving me time to think on it

It's putting injections right into my joints which supposedly helps

To relieve the pain 'cause the anti-inflammation drug is directly

Introduced into the source of where it's coming from.  Not sure yet

I also met with another woman at the end of my appointment

Who presented me a few models of ortheses and compressive gear

Tried two models for the ankles, and I found it a little overwhelming

The straps, the velcros, the criss-crossing... the contraption

She understood, said there's no rush to make any decision now

(At my departure, this woman even pushed me in a wheelchair

All the way away from the centre and across the street to my bus stop!

It's quite a distance, but she was very happy to assist me.  Blew me away.)

So it's a lot, and I'm still processing it all

But it was absolutely fantastic nonetheless

I don't know if we'll be able to make this better

Still, I feel like there may be a possibility

And that's certainly not what I expected to feel today

Again the short end of the stick

Is clobbing me upside the head

'Cause what's the use of doing this

For so much disrespect in return

So little joy, so little pleasure

It's starting to lack serious sense

- more Québec expressions... and a bit about our swear words... 

Pas pour être méchante, Chose,

Mais tu pètes plus haut que le trou

À une fréquence qui est constante.

Et bien franchement, c'est très plate.

Not to be mean, Chose,

But you 'fart higher than the hole' 

At a frequency that is constant.

And quite frankly, it's very boring.

C'est difficile d'expliquer à quel point

Mon cerveau veut se sauver quand t'es là.

J'arrive mal à supporter tes niaiseries,

Et d'après moi, je ne dois pas être la seule.

It's hard to explain to what extent

My brain wants to run away when you're here.

I can hardly bear your nonsense,

And my feeling is, I mustn't be the only one.

Je ne comprends pas très bien ce qui pousse

Les gens à devenir aussi socialement colon,

Mais au rythme que tu t'y prends, ce ne sera pas

Long avant que quelqu'un t'en crisse une bonne.

I don't quite understand what drives

People to become so socially idiotic,

But at the rate you're taking it on, it won't

Be long before someone really knocks you out.

[L1 - « Chose » :  It does mean 'thing' if we look at the word literally, but there's no equivalence in English for this expression (none that I know, anyway).  In this context it's employed as a name you give to someone when you're addressing them and you're not too happy with them.  The opposite of a term of endearment.]

[L2 - « tu pètes plus haut que le trou » :  I personally think this expression is self-explanatory, no?  I'm used to it, so maybe not... I've obviously literally translated that one 'cause there are no equivalents in English that I can find...]

[L10 - « colon » : It does mean 'colonist' if the word is taken literally, it can also mean the intestine's colon.  It's also a gentler substitute word to replace 'asshole', like 'darn' is to replace 'damn' - in that line.  An asshole who's a bit of a dolt too is the general view of a 'colon'.]

[L12 - « t'en crisse une bonne » : in this context, it means to punch someone really hard. 'Crisse' for emphasis that it won't be gentle, and 'une bonne' referring to a 'good' hard hit.

'Crisse' is a word derived from the church (a modification of the word Christ), as most of all our swear words are.

Here are a few examples : osti (host? - that thing which represents the divine's body and you're given by the priest to eat), câlisse (chalice), crisse (Christ), tabarnak (tabernacle), ciboire (ciborium?), sacrament (sacrement), etc. - instead of the actual proper church words.

These swear words can be used as a noun, a verb, an adjective, an adverb, etc all depending on the need.  I'd say people here have creative ways of stringing these swear words together in one exclamation. 

When my father was angry, he had the habit of blurting out the following : 

« Osti de câlisse de tabarnak de st-ciboire de crisse ! »  

It makes no sense at all, but the depth of emotion gets passed through very clearly.  I don't personally swear much, but once in a while, you know... ]

Google Translate version (always amusing how bad they are):

Not to be mean, Thing,

But you farts higher than the hole

At a frequency that is constant.

And frankly, it's very flat.

It's hard to explain how

My brain wants to run away when you're here.

I can hardly bear your silliness,

And in my opinion, I should not be the only one.

I don't quite understand what grows

People to become also socially colonists,

But at the rate you go about it, it won't be

Not long before someone yells at you.

I dream of a world where

Politics are reasonable

And always for the good.

A world where religion

Is kept as a private affair

And no one ever has to know.

A world where sexuality

Is no one's business at all

And isn't a topic in debate.

A world where differing views

Can actually get along together

And stop this "I'm offended" fest,

Or "You must believe what I do"

Militancy that grabs a minority

And affects the wider majority.

But that's a very tall order... 

- I never translate others' poetry... but to me this particular poem by Verlaine is pretty straightforward in language without much allusive or metaphorical style... so I rendered it in English for the fun of it (obviously losing the rhyming scheme).  Here's the non-poésie version, I guess... I don't know if it belongs along the translations which have been offered already 'cause my approach might be more literal... 'cause, you know, I'm not a poet and all that stuff... but as a francophone, I thought I'd share my perspective :) ... 

Il pleure dans mon cœur

Comme il pleut sur la ville ;

Quelle est cette langueur

Qui pénètre mon cœur ?

Tears are flowing in my heart

As how it rains over the city;

What is this languidness

Which enters my heart?

Ô bruit doux de la pluie

Par terre et sur les toits !

Pour un cœur qui s’ennuie,

Ô le chant de la pluie !

O soft drumming of the rain

On the ground and on the roofs!

For a heart taken by tedium,

O the song of the rain!

Il pleure sans raison

Dans ce cœur qui s’écœure.

Quoi ! nulle trahison ?…

Ce deuil est sans raison.

Tears come without a reason

In this heart which gets disgusted.

What!  no betrayals whatsoever?...

This mourning is senseless.

C’est bien la pire peine

De ne savoir pourquoi

Sans amour et sans haine

Mon cœur a tant de peine !

It is indeed the worst sorrow

To not know why

Without love and without hate

My heart has so much sadness!

- the message's heading says "presidential" 'cause my government is obviously using an app from the States...

I'm really disliking these governmental alerts

That come through on my phone, against my will

One day, this program appeared on my phone

And there is no way to remove it, that I can find

Yesterday, we received one of these phone alerts

Sounding the alarm of an extreme weather event

That will be happening in my "mobile coverage" area

And I should find cover somewhere if things get bad

The first thing that struck me as blindingly stupid

Is the "mobile coverage" area non-information given

It was absolutely alarming to not know specifics

'Cause tornadoes aren't events we ever deal with

That coverage area can be very near, or very far

How on earth is this message meant to be helpful?

I loathe this new wave of giving information that

Is anything but helpful information for anyone

Thanks, Gov.  More anxiety is what I need, for sure.

** the tornado happened in Mascouche, Québec... some 3hrs away from where I live.