F.i.in.e Moods

- last one... 

I can only offer my apologies

at this point, I realize what I

say to you isn't anything that

is interesting and it's the same

as I've been saying for years,

so I've no doubt worn out your

patience by now, I understand.

The truth of the matter is that

it's all been too much, and I'm

too weak to make it any better,

not that I haven't been trying,

it's just it's beyond what I can

effectively manage, evidently, so

I think there's only one solution.

All I feel is pain, pain from

past traumas, and now pain

from my failing body, and pain

from the everlasting isolation.

I don't think I'll ever be able

to resolve any of it, and I now

believe my only option is death.

I keep teetering between hope

and utter despair, it's constant,

and so I get into a suicidal state

that I find very difficult to step

away from 'cause it's the only thing

that feels sensical in the moment,

the only thing that feels correct.

Those thoughts overtake all time,

and I struggle so to not go ahead.

I just want to be done with it,

remove all worries and stress

from all who care for me and

find themselves powerless to

do anything about all of this.

I'm so sorry that all I want is to

die, but I firmly believe it's the

only way that will resolve this.

I'm too weak to change the script,

I'll never be free from this pain,

and I'm simply too exhausted to

keep on trying for an outcome 

that will clearly never happen.

After so many years trying, I'm

at a point that I'm sure it's the

only way, nothing else will ever

work, experience states it is so.

All the reasons to keep me here

have eroded some while ago,

nothing convinces me that it's

worth toughing it out longer.

So I know that I will go ahead,

it's not a threat, it's not to worry

you, it's just that I'm too broken

to make any difference in this

matter, and I need for it to stop.

An end to pain and some rest

are all that I seek and hope for,

and since my efforts are useless,

it's the only option that I can see

will be able to offer me any sort

of significant reprieve from this

hell I've dealt with for too long.

My sincerest apologies, I tried,

with all I've got, I really tried,

but it's only been a total failure,

and I just can't do it anymore.

I'm just too exhausted now,

I have no energy, no will, no

drive, it's all just gone, done...

So I'm done.

This needs to end

for me and for you.

I think it's unkind

to keep this going,

you deserve so much

better than this.

- note to self... 

For Christ's sake, Issy

Give it a rest already

Read the damn room, m'dear

They've had enough, it's clear

You can't keep this on

Time for you to move on

There's so, so much better than this

For yourself and all, you gotta insist

I know you don't believe

You'll ever find a reprieve

But you must keep trying

Come on, keep on trying

It WILL get better, I promise

Veux-tu b'en m'dire c'que ça peut b'en te câlisser

Qu'il aime un homme ?  Ou qu'elle aime une femme ?

Qu'est-ce que ça peut b'en faire dans ta vie ?

Ou qu'elle veuille cesser sa grossesse ?

Ou qu'il ou elle veuille changer d'sexe ?

Ou qu'il y a des gens qui ne croyent pas à Dieu ?

Sérieux, rien d'ces choses changent ta vie !

J'ne comprends pas ton militantisme très acharné

Vis-à-vis des choses qui n'ont aucunes conséquences

Sur ta vie personnelle, juste parc'que t'aimes pas ça.

C'est crissement bizarre comme réaction :

T'aimes pas quelque chose et tu veux qu'tout

L'monde s'conforme à tes préférences.

Sérieux, ça s'comprend très mal !

Try to imagine this :

A woman's only recourse

After being raped was to

Marry her rapist as a way

To 'restore her honor', as if

Being assaulted impacted

Her honor, her reputation,

Like any of it was her fault.

The law labelled it Matrimonio

Riparatore - rehabilitating marriage.

And this is not ancient history,

This was the law in Italy, in 1965,

And this particular law was

Finally abolished from the books

Only in 1981, 45 years ago.

A woman by the name of Franca Viola

Was abducted and sequestered for 8 days

By an ex-boyfriend who didn't accept that

She didn't want to be with him anymore.

During those 8 days, he assaulted her,

Telling her that the only way out of this

Was to marry him, and all would be forgiven.

He had the law on his side, he was confident

That she would submit to this only option.

She did not.  She refused and decided

To take legal action against him as there

Was no way in hell that she could accept

This as the only option for herself after

Such a horrific ordeal.  But the times

Being what they were, her community

Was up in arms about her decision,

Going as far as not talking to her or

Her family, shunning them and telling

Them she'd chosen the route of shame.

She was dubbed a disgrace to Sicilian

Traditions.  Their farmland was set ablaze

Out of retaliation, their family's name

Became a curse word in their community. 

No one accepted that she chose not to marry

Her rapist, that's not what women in those

Situations did, it was just unheard of.

But the victim insisted on pressing

Charges, and thankfully she was successful

In the end : the man received a sentence

Of eleven years in prison for what he'd done.

This case changed the legal landscape,

And more women refused the matrimonio

Riparatore from that point on.  Still, it took

Another fifteen years before the law was

Finally abolished.  How incredible is that?

A brave woman of seventeen years old

Said no to this option that wasn't one,

Despite the serious backlash it caused

Her and her family for not following the

'Tradition' in place for such situations.

I'm so glad she did, and I'm so glad it

Brought an end to this crazy law.

Can you imagine that?  Having to marry

Your rapist, all under the guise of restoring

Your honor?  And letting the perpetrator

Go free without consequences because he

'Restored your honor' by marrying you?

It's just unthinkable... completely insane

That this was deemed acceptable at all.

- I'm of the opinion that these topics should remain a private affair...

Would it be considered disrespectful

Or inconsiderate on my part if I were

To blather on about how I think it's

Absolute nonsense to believe that our

Lives are a result of a higher power?

Would it be a source of discomfort

If I contradicted everything you said

About how it's important to you and

Laid out all of the reasons why I

Think it's utterly ridiculous all around?

I bet it would ruffle your feathers

And make you feel like I'm attacking

You if I didn't hold back and shoved

It in your face every time you spoke,

You'd feel terrible if I did that to you.

Yet, you continuously do that to me.

You blather on about this stuff as if

It was something everyone believes

Or is comfortable accepting as truth.

If anything, you're the disrespectful one

To not take into account the possibility

That your beliefs aren't shared by all,

And that not everyone wants to hear

About it, or are relating to such notions.

You just go on like it's every day talk for all.

It annoys me beyond words 'cause I

Make every effort to spare you discomfort,

But you have no such considerations for

Others, and then get offended that it's not

Well received by some, as if not feeling

As you do is being mean to you.

It's not, it's only about boundaries,

And realizing not everyone feels

There's such a thing as the existence

Of a deity, for some, that means 

Absolutely nothing.

It holds no validity,

No importance,

No doubts.

It's just nonsense.

I realize that may be shocking

To you, just as I find it shocking

That you hold such beliefs,

but that's the reality,

We don't all feel as you do.

So please, a bit of respect.

Keep this stuff to yourself.

I'm not planning it,

But I strongly wish

It'll happen soon,

'Cause I can't do

This anymore...

I'm no longer in

A state of crisis,

But these feelings,

They cling to me,

And suffocate...

This aloneness

Has no end in sight,

This discomfort

Keeps growing,

I just want peace...

But it's simply

Unattainable,

And I'm too tired,

Too broken, 

And too hurt...

I'm not planning it,

But I strongly wish

It'll happen soon,

'Cause I can't do

This anymore...

peut-être qu'un jour

tu réussiras à comprendre

tous ces mots offerts qui

t'apparaissent cryptiques

peut-être qu'un jour

tu verras que j'ai toujours

été directe à propos de ce

que je te laisse savoir

peut-être qu'un jour...

mais pour l'instant

je ne peux en faire plus

tout n'est que dévoilé

à toi de voir que tout

a toujours été dans ta

face, je n'ai rien caché

peut-être qu'un jour...

She would never say it outright,

But she knows how this'll end...

There's no two ways about this story,

She'll make it happen, it's inevitable.

She doesn't know when exactly,

But that day will come eventually.

It's the surest thing she knows.

The last thing you said to me

Is that I don't owe you or anyone

An apology, that the things I'm

Dealing with weren't chosen by me.

Those words are staying with me

I go over them to this day and

They make the tears come 'cause

They're so you...

The kindness you've given

Me over the years, as you know,

It's not been a regular experience

But you stood by me through it all

Hell or high water, no judgement

You always were present

You cared and you said so

I'm not sure why, but you did

And I'm so grateful to have had

The chance to cross your path

More than that, I feel very fortunate

And I'll hold you dear to my heart

Until it'll be my turn to go

I'll never forget you

And I'll miss you forever

You were truly one of a kind

I wish you were still here

So that I could add to our

Last conversations -- I'd told

You that I was trying to figure

Things out, and now that I

Have, I'd have dearly loved

To let you know that I finally 

Did after all this time trying.

I wish time had been on our side,

And I could've finally removed that

Long-standing worry that existed,

And tell you that I'm ok, my friend.

An effective solution was found,

There's some relief possible in this

Life, and I won't have to opt for the

Other option we were talking about.

I'm ok, wish I could've told you.