F.i.in.e Moods

- à toutes les fois...

tout l'temps peur

d'laisser mes mots

always afraid

of leaving my words 

tellement peur

de cette exposition

so afraid

of this exposure

qu'avec ça vient

l'besoin de disparaître

that with it comes

the need to disappear

c'est tellement fort

j'n'peux m'en empêcher

it's so strong

I'm unable to help it

j'dois disparaître

alors, c'est c'que j'fais

I must disappear

so, that's what I do

- for NSW, R, J, LB, KW, UM, UD, MP,  J... thank you *hugs* xx

Thinking on it all,

It's been quite the journey.

One I wouldn't have managed

To get through on my own.

If it hadn't been for you, my life

Would've been lost over many times.

You stuck by me even though

It took years for me to get well.

It was the horrors of my life

That kept on; to annihilate me.

So I detailed it all, as best

As words could describe it.

I tried to let it all out of me,

So I'd no longer be alone with it.

So desperate to fix it all,

To stop hurting from it.

And keeping it to myself

Was becoming too overbearing.

I know it was often heavy,

Disturbing, and very dark.

But you stuck around so long anyway, making

Me believe I perhaps may be worth something.

You likely don't know it, but thank you,

You helped me save me from broken me.

I'm still here,

And I'm happy.

- anything I watch, I put the subtitles on... sometimes they can get creative, I find...

The English subtitles on my screen:

"(sombre, melody-less music)"

Melody-less?

Unmelodic music, no?

- being halted in a project you started 'cause time won't free up for some weeks yet...

When held back like this

It makes me feel restless

All I think about is it

It consumes all space

I anticipate getting to it

But it's impossible now

'Cause time is MIA

To my sorest chagrin

Waiting kills me

I just want to get on!

A few weeks to go

It's coming!

Very silently to myself

There's that desire which

Always comes back to surface

And take up all of the space.

A dream of oblivion

And not having to feel

Like it'd be the best

Place to handle now.

And despite all rationalizing

And full awareness of it,

It seems that desire never

Wants to leave or let go.

It takes hold of me, and

Even after all of this time,

A battle has to ensue to

Keep me from following it.

I don't always win.

So, let me get this right,

You want to start a group

For people who are introverts?

Ok, but how do you propose

That's going to work exactly?

Not to rain on your idea here,

But surely you see the problem?

Introverts aren't "group people",

Why on earth would they want one?

Just wondering.

It isn't because of you

Swapped got the hues

And tossed around

That we make no sound

It isn't because of me

That such feelings are free

And bid your heart

For you to make a start

And it isn't because of us

Trampled got the trust

And buried way under

So, it's really no wonder

There are no more words

And no more desire to find them

Is basically what's going on now

Mainly because all there is is boring

There's really nothing to say

And I seriously doubt it's interesting

My spirit of creativity feels dead

While my adaptation period attempts

To cope with the reality of people

It's disappointingly unpleasant

And it's exhausting me to no end

Also, it's difficult to be inspired by it

Maybe some day I'll stop

Observing and processing,

'Cause the more it goes,

The more I'm beginning

To identify very precisely

How miserable it all makes

Me feel to have to deal

With any part of it at all.

I don't know how to pretend.

I just don't know the game,

And I don't care to know it either.

What's observed is often senseless,

And not all too very kind either,

So it makes me question why

Anyone would want to behave

In such useless or despicable ways.

Disappointing hardly covers it.

Holy insert-every-possible-expletive-here,

How mind-numbing, and soul-crushing it

Is, to have to deal with other people, like this.

It's shockingly exhausting, it's boring as

All hm-hm-hm, and I can't define the why's

People behave the way they do with others.

It's like there are a lot who need to make

A story happen, and make it unpleasant for

Another, for whatever reason they deem fits.

Can't say understanding will ever come to me,

Mind-boggling how these types are always around;

You can't escape them, always at least one in a group.

And really, it isn't my strongsuit to tolerate bullshit,

And superficiality isn't my wave-length either.

Despise the feeling of being put into a game,

One that confronts me with so much nonsense

My brain doesn't know where to turn sometimes...

Sure, much can be said about my sensitivity,

But c'mon, it shouldn't be like this.

What a monumental waste of time

And energy on nothing worth it,

'Cause after all, they make it up as they go along.