F.i.in.e Moods

Yeah, I guess

I keep coming

Back to all of that

'Cause I'm surpised

Beyond anything as

Realization insists

I may have finally

Found my way out.

I'm surpised 'cause

My belief was pretty 

Set a long time ago

That there'd be no way

I'd ever get away from

Where I was thrown in

And completely stuck.

It was insurmountable

On a permanent basis

Is what it'd always felt

Like having to deal

With what was given

My way, and then,

With the consequences

Of those things received.

It's a happy surprise

To be proven wrong.

I seriously never thought

I'd ever get away from

All of that stuff...

I can't describe to you

My amazement.

Or my relief, either.

It feels good to be alive.

Ha, I just said that.

- the unspeakable was lived or witnessed with close people... that's what it was all about... 

Feeling so far removed

From that young girl

You met those years ago

When I arrived your way.

Shattered and in tatters is how

You met me for a long time.

With so many unspeakable

Things I laid out there

For anyone who might

Care to know, maybe...

'Cause at that point, what

To do had no answers.

There was so much

Damage to contend with,

And absolutely no one

Around to help through it.

So I put it out there

As I tried to find the words

To process the unexplainable

I've been subjected to in life.

I often tried to depict

The terrible pain it all caused,

And how its intensity would

Grow to dangerous levels.

I've nearly destroyed myself

And made my death-wish come true.

I caused my own damage on purpose

Hoping it'd be the very last time.

But here I am, still standing now.

Even when it was taken from me,

Or when I made it happen myself,

Life didn't want to leave me.

I don't know how many times

It was nearly over for good,

Yet, here I am still, and that part

Makes me wonder sometimes.

As I said, though, feeling so far removed

From the ruthlessly unending nightmare.

I know every bit is from my life, I lived it,

But I don't view it the same or feel it anymore.

For the very first time,

I feel it's going to be ok.

It's not a feeling I'm used to,

But it's really soothing to feel.

Finding the words to describe

How miserable it all now

Makes me feel isn't coming.

At one time, it was all good.

Nowadays, it's just not there,

Plus, makes me feel out of place.

Comfort left a long time ago,

And it's not looking like it

Wants to return any time soon.

By all appearances, this book

Has found its last lines, and

It's time to find another one.

- with rough translation... la douleur émotionnelle de toutes mes expériences... 

pour l'instant, je ne sais pas.

c'est arrivé un jour où j'ai

remarqué que cela faisait

un bon bout que je n'avais

for now, I don't know.

it happened one day when

I noticed that it'd been

a good while since I felt

plus de douleur, cet état constant

qui ne faisait que me tuer à petits

feux, qui était sans relâche au

point que tout espoir de m'en sortir

the pain, that constant state

that was only killing me little by

little, that was relentless to the

point all hope of getting myself out

s'était volatilisé d'année en

année, et me faisait souhaiter

que j'en arriverais à la mort très

bientôt, car c'était réellement trop...

had dissipated from one year

to the next, and was making me wish

that I'd arrive to death very

soon, 'cause it was all too much...

mais un jour, je ne la ressentais

plus, et je ne sais pas pourquoi

ou comment cela s'est produit.

je ne dirais pas que je suis guérie,

but one day, I couldn't feel it

anymore, and I don't know why

or how this happened.

I wouldn't say that I'm healed,

non, mais je peux dire que je n'ai

plus mal, je ne traîne plus toute cette

douleur que j'avais eue si longtemps.

peut-être ça qui fait la différence...

no, but I can say that I'm no

longer hurting, I'm not accompanied by all

this pain that I'd had for so long.

perhaps that's what makes the difference...

Il n'y a plus rien à dire.

En réalité, l'intérêt s'est

Perdu autant pour eux

Que pour moi, et le

Tout est devenu inutile.

There is nothing more to say.

In truth, the interest has been

Lost as much for them

As for me, and the whole of

This has become useless.

Il ne reste rien de ceci

Qui berce mon coeur ou

Qui touche mon esprit,

Donc il n'y a plus de sens

De continuer ce chemin.

There is nothing left of this

That gently rocks my heart or

That touches my spirit,

So there is no longer any sense

To continue this path.

Ils passent leur temps

À se contredire, et moi,

J'en suis vraiment tannée

D'essayer de les suivre

Ou de subir les impacts.

They spend their time

Contradicting themselves, and me,

I'm really fed up

Of trying to follow them

Or of enduring the impacts.

En plus, je n'ai plus rien

À dire, plus de mots, plus

De raisons, c'est fini, mort.

Je n'ai plus envie d'accepter

Qu'on me niaise non plus.

Adding to that, I have nothing more

To say, no more words, no more

Reasons, it's done, dead.

I no longer feel like accepting

Being taken for an idiot either.

- have come a very long way and it feels like it's finally going somewhere... 

Don't want to let the mind run away with itself,

But at the same time, it can't help imagining

All of the possibilities of what this will mean.

For one, it'll restore my usefulness in society.

Two, it'll surround me with interesting people.

Three, it'll involve me in an important project.

Four, it'll make me well-off like never lived.

Five, it'll allow me to have my own life finally.

Don't want to let the mind run away with itself,

But still, imagining these new possibilities of a

Life I thought I'd never achieve is very exciting.

Some would say I should lower my expectations,

So that I don't feel too disappointed when they're

Not met, but the thing is, with the life I've had thus

Far, disappointments are in another league much

Easier to deal with, so I'm willing to take the risk. 

Plus, my feelings aren't expectations, they're facts: 

Things will inevitably be so much better soon,

In ways like they've never been before; 

It's no longer just a dream, it's happening now.

c'est un grand souci pour moi

que tout va bien pour tout le monde

pas juste moi

je n'aime pas ça quand les gens

ne se sentent pas bien

c'est vraiment plus fort que moi

rough translation...

A Mother Goose Nature, I Suppose...

It's for me something I mind very much

that everything is going well for everyone

not just me

I don't like it when people

don't feel all right

It's for me something I really can't help

- sorry, changes without explanations always make me wonder, then worry...

Ok, you got my attention.

Maybe you'd like to tell

Me what's going on,

'Cause if you expect me

To guess, that could take

A long while to happen.

Something's obviously

Different between us,

But it came so suddenly,

And without explanation,

It's difficult to pinpoint

What may have caused it.

Was it something I said?

Or did I neglect you?

Or it's nothing like that,

You're busy taking care

Of yourself and your life?

But if you don't say...

I remember sitting in front of her in

Her boss' office, she was his resident,

And here we were, three years apart

In ages, in two completely different

Worlds of life, and she advising me

That there are all sorts of constraints

In life, and I shouldn't expect things

To be easy.  I looked at her with

Disbelief, 'cause seriously, how

Would she even know about it?

She's 24, a medical student doing

The residency part of her training

That her daddy paid for her...

I'm 21, battling the complications

Of so many traumas, in isolation,

And about to have a baby on my

Own 'cause the dad f'ed off...

As far as "constraints" go, I think

I had it pretty covered by then.

Some people live on another planet.