F.i.in.e Moods

- service provider woes... been in communications since September 7... try not to let it get to me, but it's taking a lot of time to deal with I wish I didn't have to...

Oh, they're killing me

I swear, they are

Their disorganization

Is astroundingly bad

Oh, they say the bills

Have been paid

But there's no sign

Of any such transaction

Oh, they keep answering

They got the payment

From my very own account,

But I swear, they really didn't

Oh, I can't seem to get it

Across to them

I'm four emails in explaining

Yet they insist they're paid

Oh, what the hell?

How can you screw up

So bad as to take money

From someone else?

And don't reply for five days

and the count continues

- together 16 years... very happily... 

Look, best to mind your own business.

You don't know the life I've had, and

For you to suggest there's something

Unnatural going on about our union

Is really putting your foot in your mouth.

To begin with, I'm not so weak as to not

Possess full awareness of my decisions,

Or am I easily bossed around in my life.

Being victim to manipulation isn't

Something I don't have experience with,

So I can well spot it when it's happening.

The fact that he is considerably older

Than I am doesn't automatically mean

That there's something fishy going on,

Or remotely unhealthy about it either.

My ability for determination isn't M.I.A.

So really, best to mind your own business.

No abuse is going on here, only pure love,

And I really don't need to justify it to you

So you can somehow feel more comfortable

About something that isn't happening in the first

Place, only in your judgemental imagination.  

- 3 weeks at my new job done... it's not been easy, but I've been managing really well so far and enjoying myself... except for yesterday... the most challenging day I've come across yet... sorry long and not exactly exciting, but it's what's going on...

The work laptop I was provided

Is a Mac, and it's my first experience

Really working on one.  So, not all

Too familiar with this system yet, plus

I have no admin access to anything,

Naturally, so it's making things a little

Annoying to have to depend on an IT dept.

Slows things down very considerably.

Yesterday, pretty much all day,

I had no access to my work accounts

Because of a username issue that

The dear IT dept had to change recently

Due to an error they made when they

Set it up.  They'd put one of my first

Names as my family name and so

Broke their own naming convention.

But they forgot the basics of updating

The new username in all of their systems

And networks, so when I restarted

My laptop that morning, I needed

A recovery key from admin to

Continue the bootup to the desktop

(Some system crash had happened).

The dear entered the key, and that's

When my horror furthered that day.

First, the Wi-Fi wouldn't connect

Anymore; of course, username...

Then once that was recovered,

All of the laptop was completely

Reset as a new user would have it.

And all of my work accounts

Didn't recognize me for login.

The tech wasn't in the building

Anymore by the time I realized

My accesses were all gone.

There was absolutely nothing

That I could do but wait for

The tech to be available.

When he was, he remotely accessed

My laptop, and reinstated most of

My accounts, the others I'd have to

Go through the Pay dept, and the

Specific software dept to recover those.

So, it was a lot of steps, a lot of waiting,

To then by four pm, finally have all

Of my accounts back... but the day

Was over.  I missed every part of

What I was supposed to work on

Yesterday, and it deeply upset me.

So much so, that at lunch time,

I went outside to an isolated

Spot on the side parking lot

And let the tears come out.

I seriously felt awful about the

Whole situation, and all I wanted

To do was evade it, go back home.

So yesterday was an exercise in 

« Gestions des émotions » ;

My anxiety levels were wringing

My neck.  I don't deal well with

Feelings of helplessness, and

Yesterday, there was nothing I

Could do to resolve anything. 

It really overwhelmed me...

Well, I'm very tired too,

'Cause being out of the house,

Travelling and being with

People all day full-time has

Been taking a lot of energy

Out of me, so there's probably

That at play too for how yesterday

Made me react so emotionally.

It's the only day anything like

This has happened so far, so

I'm doing pretty well with my

Adaptation of this new routine

In my life.  Not only that, I'm

Deriving a lot of pleasure from it

As well, the job is just great.

All of the things around it I'm

Working on, but I feel I'll be ok.

The hardest part for me

About my unwell kin

Was to reason about their malice

As being traits of their illnesses.

I sort of understood,

But still...

Je ne suis plus capable, et

Pour autant que j'essaye,

Cela n'abouti toujours à rien.

Je les aime de tout mon

Être, mais pour eux, il est

Clair que je ne suis rien.

J'ai tenté du mieux que

J'ai pu avec ce que j'avais,

Mais c'était tout pour rien.

Ils ne sont pas heureux.

Ils ne veulent plus savoir.

Je me retrouve laissée à rien.

- disorganization at its grandest...

Dear service provider,

My customer account indicates

That two invoice payments

Went through and were cleared.

However, where you got the

Payments from is proving to

Be a lot less clear to me :

No withdrawals can be seen

As having been made by you in

My financial account any time.

This is a bit concerning,

'Cause who's the poor sod

Who paid for my service then?

Strikes me as ridiculous

And certainly does nothing to

Elevate my confidence in you!

Yeah, I guess

I keep coming

Back to all of that

'Cause I'm surpised

Beyond anything as

Realization insists

I may have finally

Found my way out.

I'm surpised 'cause

My belief was pretty 

Set a long time ago

That there'd be no way

I'd ever get away from

Where I was thrown in

And completely stuck.

It was insurmountable

On a permanent basis

Is what it'd always felt

Like having to deal

With what was given

My way, and then,

With the consequences

Of those things received.

It's a happy surprise

To be proven wrong.

I seriously never thought

I'd ever get away from

All of that stuff...

I can't describe to you

My amazement.

Or my relief, either.

It feels good to be alive.

Ha, I just said that.

- the unspeakable was lived or witnessed with close people... that's what it was all about... 

Feeling so far removed

From that young girl

You met those years ago

When I arrived your way.

Shattered and in tatters is how

You met me for a long time.

With so many unspeakable

Things I laid out there

For anyone who might

Care to know, maybe...

'Cause at that point, what

To do had no answers.

There was so much

Damage to contend with,

And absolutely no one

Around to help through it.

So I put it out there

As I tried to find the words

To process the unexplainable

I've been subjected to in life.

I often tried to depict

The terrible pain it all caused,

And how its intensity would

Grow to dangerous levels.

I've nearly destroyed myself

And made my death-wish come true.

I caused my own damage on purpose

Hoping it'd be the very last time.

But here I am, still standing now.

Even when it was taken from me,

Or when I made it happen myself,

Life didn't want to leave me.

I don't know how many times

It was nearly over for good,

Yet, here I am still, and that part

Makes me wonder sometimes.

As I said, though, feeling so far removed

From the ruthlessly unending nightmare.

I know every bit is from my life, I lived it,

But I don't view it the same or feel it anymore.

For the very first time,

I feel it's going to be ok.

It's not a feeling I'm used to,

But it's really soothing to feel.

Finding the words to describe

How miserable it all now

Makes me feel isn't coming.

At one time, it was all good.

Nowadays, it's just not there,

Plus, makes me feel out of place.

Comfort left a long time ago,

And it's not looking like it

Wants to return any time soon.

By all appearances, this book

Has found its last lines, and

It's time to find another one.

- with rough translation... la douleur émotionnelle de toutes mes expériences... 

pour l'instant, je ne sais pas.

c'est arrivé un jour où j'ai

remarqué que cela faisait

un bon bout que je n'avais

for now, I don't know.

it happened one day when

I noticed that it'd been

a good while since I felt

plus de douleur, cet état constant

qui ne faisait que me tuer à petits

feux, qui était sans relâche au

point que tout espoir de m'en sortir

the pain, that constant state

that was only killing me little by

little, that was relentless to the

point all hope of getting myself out

s'était volatilisé d'année en

année, et me faisait souhaiter

que j'en arriverais à la mort très

bientôt, car c'était réellement trop...

had dissipated from one year

to the next, and was making me wish

that I'd arrive to death very

soon, 'cause it was all too much...

mais un jour, je ne la ressentais

plus, et je ne sais pas pourquoi

ou comment cela s'est produit.

je ne dirais pas que je suis guérie,

but one day, I couldn't feel it

anymore, and I don't know why

or how this happened.

I wouldn't say that I'm healed,

non, mais je peux dire que je n'ai

plus mal, je ne traîne plus toute cette

douleur que j'avais eue si longtemps.

peut-être ça qui fait la différence...

no, but I can say that I'm no

longer hurting, I'm not accompanied by all

this pain that I'd had for so long.

perhaps that's what makes the difference...