F.i.in.e Moods

- lack of self-confidence can alter your decision-making abilities...

You're exactly right

When you point out

That I'll see the good

In people before any

Bad sides about them.

That's exactly what

Happened between us.

I stuck around longer

Than I should've to see

Your good sides instead

Of trusting my initial

Intuitions about you.

Wonder if you realize it:

Your gripe highlights

Precisely why you and I 

Should've never been.

This 'flaw' did me no

Favors, that's for sure,

You're absolutely right for

This instance, I concede.

- going to sleep is an anxious, terrifying prospect in those times... 

It must be the ever

Increasing stress of late...

Flashbacks resurface

'Cause I'm too out

Of energy to keep

Them out of the way.

And of course,

Forget about sleep...

They invade and hog

The space where dreams

Should be happening;

Instead I feel it all again.

Stuck there, can't get out,

As if it was now... 

Violated

Beaten

Bleeding

Dying

Ad infinitum feels like.

So completely worn out...

It'd be nice of you

To stop contradicting

Yourself as concerns

Your feelings for him.

One minute you say

You cherish your times,

But in the same breath

You leave him hanging,

Over and over again,

As if he wouldn't notice.

It'd be nice of you to stop

Taking him for an idiot.

- puzzled by the I'm-offended-fest that nowadays seem to be the way of many... 

It's incomprehensible. 

You're offended for

Someone who doesn't

Feel offended at all.

How does that work?

You're up in arms,

Beating your drum,

Defending someone

Who doesn't feel any

Need to be defended.

Don't you see it's weird?

There's no victim here.

All of this is about you,

Nothing to do with what

The 'offended' party is

Actually going through.

Did you not hear them say

They're not feeling offended?

If anything, I'd say your not

Listening is cause for offense!

It's not wrong to feel offended

For someone, but if that person

Isn't feeling offended, what does

Your feeling offended matter?

It's just your private perception on

A situation that didn't even happen

To you in the first place, so why

Are you being so loud about it?

- a suggestion you'll keep to yourself, of course... 

My, what a big stick

That's stuck up there.

Y'might want to have

That seen to, m'dear.

j'aimerais tant pouvoir

t'amener dans de paisibles pensées,

dans des moments de joie, ou

d'amour, ou de beauté époustouflante,

avec des mots qui te feraient rêver

et t'enlaceraient le coeur tout tendrement.

ce que j'aimerais tant pouvoir...

rough translation...

At the Moment

I so wish that I could

bring you into peaceful thoughts,

into moments of joy, or

of love, or of breathtaking beauty,

with words that would make you dream

and would hold your heart only tenderly.

how I so wish that I could...

And here my head was finally ready

To tackle building a life outside of home

And now, seems like my body has other

Plans which look very much out of my hands

Would you say my frustration is misplaced?

Perhaps an immature response?

I don't know how else to pose the question

But does it ever end having to fight so hard?

I'm running out of energy

Struggling to hold on to

Why I should keep minding

The reasons are dwindling so fast

- have always had pains in my joints since childhood... but since 2017, things have dramatically changed to where I have moments of immobilisation and incapacity to move... it's due to the syndrome I was diagnosed with in 2021 (EDS, type hypermobility), which involves hyperlax joints, connective tissues with too much space to move around, causing a lot of problems... since 2019, these immobile moments have become more and more frequent and it's not looking like this situation will improve... so it's a lot to come to terms with... and a lot on my mind... Thank you to all who've left comments on my previous posts recently, I'll respond soon... things are a bit hard at the moment... xx

Daily, from one moment

To the next, it starts and

Stops (but mainly goes on),

With movement, without,

And comprises of many

Levels of intensity.

It pulsates acutely,

It near-permanently throbs,

It sharply shoots down or

Up the bones of my limbs.

Sometimes it's a rubbing,

A pulling,

A pinching,

A blocking.

More recently were added

Sprains or subluxations,

Irritation, inflammation of

Cartilage, ligaments, tendons,

Injuries at very little effort.

And often, it all happens

At the same

Time on both

Sides of my body.

It's most debilitating,

And so exhausting.

How I love it

The way you

Avoid / ignore

Me, or anything

To do with me,

Makes me feel

So very special.

- usually takes around 5 to 10 minutes before my joints are screaming to stop moving or sitting... very problematic...

Unable to walk for a long time

Unable to sit at length either

It's really complicating things

And discouraging me to no end

I do my best to remain positive

But there are no good sides to this

Improvements, if any, will be short

And nothing can be done about it