F.i.in.e Moods

- for those who don't know, my douce moitié is from England and he fell in love with a girl who lives in the heart of French Canada ... I find it really sweet when he tries to speak French with me... 

My douce moitié does not speak French,

He can understand without trouble reading it,

And he's definitely better at understanding

What people are saying when they speak,

But holding a conversation is not there yet.

I recognize that I probably didn't help much

Over the years with that, 'cause what I did

And do remove his opportunities for practice.

What I mean by that is that people here

Are majoritarily unilingual French,

So I find myself simultaneously translating

The conversations for two unilingual people

Trying to communicate to one another, and

My kids did and do the exact same thing too.

When two people want to talk together, but

Can't, it just feels wrong to not intervene.

It would kind of ruin the moment, too,

Being able to help, but not help when the

Context of the moment manifestly requires it.

But at the same time, I can see the problem

As far as him being able to practice his French.

- since 1997...

Women in Québec aren't allowed

By law to use their married name

In any official documents, only

Their family name at birth... 

I understand why they decided

To abolish that practice, makes

Sense and keeps records neater,

But it's a bit sad just the same.

Would have liked to be able to use my

Husband's name instead of my own,

Considering mine doesn't hold

Much in terms of love and affection.

Obviously, it isn't a big deal,

But it is a little disappointing.

We are Mr. & Mrs. C.,

But officially, we can't be,

Even though we're married.

Is it the same where you live?

- I loved my time in England, don't get me wrong... just this side was really unexpected... 

Apologies to my English friends,

It's not to criticize your home,

But as a foreigner stepping foot

For the first time in your region,

I couldn't help myself feeling

Taken aback at how much litter

There is pretty much everywhere.

On the coach from Heathrow,

Looking out the window, first

Thing I noticed all along the sides

Of the motorway, piles of litter!     (but I mean piles!)

Bottles, cans, wrappers, bags,

All kinds of garbage, so much

Of it, it was arrestingly shocking.

I've never seen anything like it.

And being in towns turned out just

As noticeably littered everywhere.

I don't understand why it's in

Such a state, to be honest.

Where I live, there is litter,

But it's an occasional affair,

Not the norm of every space!

Sorry, but it was truly shocking.

When I go to different countries,

My time isn't spent on finding

Differences between my home

And the new region I'm in, but

This, it just hits you in the face,

It's just absolutely everywhere.

Once upon a time,

Some years ago,

I used to make

You cry from

Sadness, and

Now, I believe

I'm making you

Cry from boredom

With what I write.

My sincerest

Apologies to you

For then sadness,

For now boredom.

The good side

To this, though,

Is that the pain

Which hounded

Me for so long

Is no longer

Around, but on

The flip side,

I evidently

Can't write

Anymore.

tu m'avais demandé quelle était

ma plus grande frustration de mon

vécu et je t'avais répondu que c'était

le sentiment d'avoir été

détruite par mes expériences.

tu m'avais alors demandé pourquoi

je me sentirais de cette façon

et je t'avais répondu que j'étais frustrée

de ne pas être plus loin dans mon

progrès à me rebâtir de ces choses-là,

que ce fait était la preuve qu'ils ont gagné,

et je suis trop faible pour m'en remettre ;

c'est extrêmement frustrant...

bien sûr, tu n'étais pas d'accord, mais

je sais que t'avais compris mes paroles.

rough translation...

you'd asked me what was

my greatest frustration from

all I've been through and I'd answered you that it was

the feeling of having been

destroyed by my experiences.

you'd then asked me why

I'd ever feel that way

and I'd answered you that I was frustrated

about not being further ahead in my

progress at rebuilding myself from these things,

that this fact was the proof they won,

and I'm too weak to recover;

it's extremely frustrating...

of course, you didn't agree, but

I know you'd understood what I was saying.

- CBT... trying to resolve anxiety/phobia issues...

Not sure it's a good idea,

But I'm provoking anxiety

In order to face and tackle it,

As-and-when it happens.

Confronting situations

I'm unable to deal with,

Challenging myself

To do what I fear most,

All for the purpose of

Learning to manage it.

I'm told it's with practice

That I'll find my way.

Sincerely hope that's true,

'Cause at the very moment,

It's feeling like a drawn out,

Slow torture that won't end.

- RAMQ is our 'free' health system here and it stands for Régie de l'assurance maladie du Québec...

I hate to concede with my friend

On this point, but he's absolutely

Right:  universal health care

Is not so great - at least, it hasn't

Been in the last near decade now.

We're short of doctors 'cause they're

All arriving at the age of retirement,

And there aren't enough around

Now to fill their vacant positions,

So waiting times are out of

Control, services have simply

Become mostly inadequate, and

It's so difficult to have your health

Seen to when it actually needs it.

Pain can't wait, for example.

Took over a year to see my first

Specialist, still waiting a year

And a half on for a genetics test,

And I've been referred to a team

Whose waiting list is two-three years.

The Chronic Pain team, that is!

I can say that it's very discouraging,

'Cause while I wait, I'm on my own

To deal with why I'm being referred

There, and it's not clear what I'm

Meant to be doing in the meantime.

I've been on the waiting list for

A family doctor since Sept 2019,

And it's not looking either like that's

Going to be resolved any time soon.

I don't know where to throw myself

There's an emptiness that follows me

And I can't seem to shake it off

And I feel myself sinking to depths

Which would really be best to avoid

I don't know why I keep pushing on

To figure some way to live this life

And for as much as I try to find joy

And for as much as it's all useless

I'm still here even though I shouldn't be

I carry on with no clear reasons

As to what's important about it

And I restrain myself from listening

And I try to conserve a sort of care

Through so much constant noise

I, this morning, recover the devastation

Of having survived death's realms then

And I try to reason with myself

And I try so hard to feel different

But I only manage to fail spectacularly

- recently took up my guitar again, an old acoustic Vantage... luckily, I'm ambidextrous, so the left-handed way isn't a huge challenge, except for one chord positioning so far (picture above) ... singing and playing songs myself are my goals... it's way overdue... 

Two reasons why I choose

To play my right-handed guitar

The left-handed way, with

The strings 'upside down' :

1 - my left wrist has a sizable cyst between my ligaments making my hand too

     weak and too painful to apply the pressure to make the chords

2 - I don't like the idea of being limited to an adapted guitar to be able to play it

Right now, doing the G

Chord is a little challenging

Awkward to switch and press

All three fingers at once

It's a strange positioning

Not all too natural getting

The index across in one go

I can, but not always yet

It's getting there, though

Muscle memory is definitely

Happening as I switch most

Chords relatively well so far

It's just that G

I found two ways to do it

But one is completely 'no'

The other, a little awkard

But much more doable

I'll keep at it, make it work

There's really nothing else

Better than to play music!

- « langue populaire » québécoise... Google Translate ne sera pas utile pour la traduire...

Osti qu'vous êtes plates.

Plus plates qu'ça, tu meurs !

Le lien n'est pas plus difficile

qu'ça: c'est vous l'problème.

Et bien franchement, j'en ai

plein l'cul d'vous endurer.

Vous êtes soit pas trop gentils

ou souvent crissement weird,

et vous n'avez aucune appréciation

pour autre chose qu'vous-mêmes.

Comme j'disais, vous êtes plates,

vous m'donnez l'envie d'sacrer

mon camp et n'p'us jamais revenir ;

à ce point-là qu'j'suis p'us capable.

C'est pas compliqué, vous m'faites

suer tellement vous êtes déplaisants.

Le plus drôle là-dedans est qu'vous

trouvez une façon d'chiâler comme si

l'résultat n'avait rien à voir avec vous.

B'en voyons donc, réveillez-vous, osti.

J'ai plus qu'faite ma part, même trop.

On peut pas en dire autant pour vous.

Facque, allez-y, boudez-moi d'vous étaler

la vérité en pleine face, j'm'en câlisse.